This.Box

the perfect man

2020-09-23T00:17:00.000+08:00

You should be someone who exists in Disney's fairytales. You should be the guy in my dreams, in my imaginations as I wait for Add Maths to end. You should be the hot high-school kingka in fanfics, anime, manga.You should be Romeo from the tip of Shakespeare's pen. You should be the Prince Charming to Cinderella, Snow White, Aurora, Ariel and Jasmine. You should be the perfect gentleman Jane Austen penned down; the modern-day prince Cecelia Ahern wrote about.

You should be fiction; transparent in 3 Dimensional. You should be based on scripts, plots, ideas, plans, work, pens, inks, papers, computers, photoshops, colors, voices, arts, mistakes, strokes, shadows, lights, lines, irregularities, artificial, fantasy.

You're not supposed to be real. Your eyebrows, cheekbones, sharp jaw, fox-like eyes are supposed to be seen, adored, drooled, lusted over and not for touch. You shouldn't have feelings - humans who created you were supposed to choose that for you. Your voice does not belong to you - they belong to someone else, someone who contributed in the making of you. Your limbs need help to move; your chiseled arms need inks to perfect. Your personality is thought through and through by the writer who gave birth to you. You are made up of everything a dreamer wanted you to have. You are in her dreams, after all - you belong to her and her only.

You are supposed to be one thin line. Maybe words. And floating images too.

You are not supposed to be you - supposedly not, if you do not intend to search for the best in love, keeping your perspectives in check, afraid to venture out of the box, intimidated by the world and all of its elements, unwilling to take risks. You are supposed to be unreachable, unreal. You should not exist to be anything other than a part of a cartoon, movie, anime, fanfiction, manga, dream, story, prayer, hope, wish.

You are a perfect man - you're not supposed to be real.

But you are. Surprisingly, you are. And you exist as you and yourself, breathing in your own lungs, underneath your own skin, laughing in your own voice and feeling with your own heart. And you, you and you perfect men out there exist for each and every perfect girl out there, who is waiting for you, searching for you, taking risks for you and wanting to love you.

There's a perfect man for every perfect girl. A beautiful man for every beautiful girl. A decent man for every decent girl. But there is not an ugly man for an ugly girl - there's no ugly girl in the world to begin with.

You can have a crooked teeth, your laugh may wrecked ears, your sleep does not look like a baby's at all and everyone will notice this every single flaw of you. Everyone, except for your perfect girl. Because she has a perfect teeth, a sunshine laugh, a peaceful sleep that patched up yours, and in return you have a gorgeous smile that made up for her forced grin, amazing cooking skills that put her instant noodles making skills to shame and long, slender fingers to intertwine with her stubby, short ones - and all these imperfections of hers are noticed by everyone but you.

Her past boyfriends found her clingy, your past girlfriends realized you're too much of a player. But love is about now or never. About making the most of every moment spent with each other. About imagining and seeing a future with the other and loving the thought of it. About loving the present - loving each and every second you're spending with her now. Imperfections are inevitable, flaws are credited for, past mistakes are life lessons, but you found her and you changed to be perfect. How can you not? Your girl is perfect for you, changed to be perfect in your eyes for the sole reason of you and only you, and how can you not do the same for her?

You are perfect when you found her, get to know her, spend time with her, think about her, care about her, realized your feelings towards her, talk with your friends about her, talk with your family about her, confess to her, kiss her, be with her, love her. And you'll continue to be perfect because you are indeed, with the perfect girl who turned perfect the moment she found you too.

You are the perfect man for her, and she, the perfect girl for you.

Together, you are perfection with flaws and mistakes - but still, perfection.

like you would come back if I just called out

2011-12-22T13:40:00.000+08:00

First and foremost, congrats to all 96 liners who received their PMR results earlier today. No matter what the results are, be proud because you've passed yet another hurdle in your teenage life. Don't look back anymore, it's useless, instead, focus on tomorrow and most importantly, focus on doing your best in the final hurdle of high school - SPM :)

Know what happened while I was hanging clothes to dry the other day? Words. Words happened. Caused me to panic and fumbled with the tangled ends of sleeves as I hung them all before I practically made a mad dash towards my room, frantically searched through the stack of papers scattered on my desk before finally deciding that okay, there's one scribbled with some Add Maths formulas here and there... will do.

And oh my God it's a fic full of such. fluff that my toes curled without fail every time I read it. Such a contrast to the problems (regarding differentiation, I think oh wait yeap, differentiation) I worked on on the paper.

Anyway, on to more 'serious'(?) matters, this might just be the last post in this blog until SPM. Uuuu, how awfully shocking LOL -.-

If you've been a reader of my blog since way way back, you would notice that this is another repeat of my pre-PMR hiatus, only this time, it's starting way earlier and lasts much longer. PMR was serious business, but SPM is beyond that and I'm not that smart, nor do I have the audacity to gamble with the leftover time I have in my hands that will (read: WILL) determine how my future turns out. I have it all mapped in my mind; the plans, the constructions, and now all I need to do is to carry it out - wisely. If you can't notice it by now, then yes, I'm scared. Awfully scared. And not of anything else but myself, and whether I have the capability in using the upcoming 11 months to prepare myself fully.

But hey, here's to that being something I have complete control over. Hopefully I won't slip up too much to the point of being attacked by constant regrets when the moment actually comes. So, making it official since I desperately need the boost for this: temporarily giving up Korea, worldly affairs, inner lust - and all of its temptations to focus on my studies and the effort I have to take in order to make the most of it.

I think I can do this. Damn right I can. Hopefully, I'll be back again once SPM ends to relight this writing passion of mine. Oh with that said, fanfiction writing will also be put on hold except for those desperate times when I'm in need of some distraction (though I doubt I'll post it up anyway), which also means that my lj will be inactive for a while.

Changing my phone- ah no wait, downgrading my phone to a Nokia 2760 - otherwise known as my old kapcai phone thanks to Naviin - because everyone knows how addictive Androids can be. Deleted my fb, will delete my Tumblr and Twitter (again) but only when I'm ready. Will no longer be available on Whatsapp, Viber, Skype, and all that riffraff. In other words, giving up my social life completely LOL. Oh and I almost forgot, the most important + life-sucking device of all, this laptop. I'm officially giving it to mummy to do whatever she wants with it as long as it's out of my reach, with the added rule that it must be in one piece when I take it back after SPM. I'm a good daughter, I am. ^^

Now all that's left to do is make sure that all these are worth it :)

OFFICIALLY ON HIATUS. INFINITE BID ME GOODBYE :')

i'll just sing for me the lullaby

2011-12-17T16:57:00.000+08:00

Apparently, Carrot is too lazy to attack any green pigs as of late.

Ahaha, here we go. Abang Muz won that angry bird for me at a funfair in Shah Alam last Saturday. I know, it's insignificant but for me, it's the exact opposite. I love love love it when people do minuscule things for me that brought out a larger meaning than what they show. And I love love love it when they do it with such nonchalance, like it's the most natural thing for them to do for me. This doesn't just go out to Abang Muz alone, but to everyone else as well.
It's like what they said, it's the thought that counts.

i put myself underneath your wings

2011-11-30T23:43:00.001+08:00

Can you imagine how I reacted when I first saw this picture?

Yeah? Well, pluck off everything that's been popping in your head as an answer to my question (really?) and just fling them far far away from both you and me. Because they're not even close - whatever they are. How I reacted, it's ineffable - really really - so now just imagine, how I will really react if I can see them on my desk everyday without flipping open my laptop to search for this image. Don't give me that 'impuhsible' look yet, cause it's possible. If you're nice, and if you love me just as much as I love you, and if you're not short of cash like how I am almost all the time, it's possible that it's almost magical. I don't believe in Santa, and tell me why should I when I don't have to wish for this (< click, you idiot) from him when I could have this from you? And it's such a sweet coincidence that my birthday falls on the 18th of December, because then it means ta-da! All the more reason to gift me this ~~so much want I can't even~~ calendar. Honestly now, what's stopping you? :3

But then again, I won't mind if I get this baby as a replacement instead. I've ranted before that I want a kitten for my birthday, and I'm not changing my mind just because Woollim decided to troll us Inspirits by releasing a new merchandise during the time where money is crucial.

Serious talk now.

So Edora and yeojachingu (been a long time since I used this word) came over today for some hardcore Add Maths revision lasting as long as three hours. I felt accomplished, of course, like a long-lost goal could finally be scratched off my wishlist without being told twice. It felt nice to... how should I phrase this? To finally be brought back to reality? Something like that. SPM - is something I can't run away from and I don't want to run away from. Scholarship and overseas studies, these two opportunities tempt me so much and I know that the road to getting them won't be easy, but it's not out of my reach. Which means that I can do it, but not without making sacrifices here and there at the beginning of the road. Like yeojachingu said, one more year. One more year left of high school, of being a school student in standardized uniforms before finally stepping over that boundary that separates teenage life and adulthood. The thought terrifies me but at the same time it excites me too. Wow. One more year. So surreal.

I'm hoping for the best of next year, both for myself and of Allah's plans. And I hope that those who I love and vice versa, are hoping for the best too. InsyaAllah. Here's to a better December, and definitely, a better 2012. Amin :)

can't you see the look in my eyes

2011-11-28T22:50:00.001+08:00

"Awak, my birthday is next month."
"..."
"Awaaaak, my birthday is next month."
"You got your Paradise album, what else do you want?"

a.wak
a Malay word equivalent to 'you'; usually spoken between friends who find comfort in hindering 'aku-kau' and 'I-you'.

a.waaaak
normally used by me as a discreet way to inform the person I'm speaking to that I currently crave their attention; in other words, I'm caving in to my slightly irritating, slightly childish, slightly trying-to-be-cute side.

Have I made it obvious of how much I was hurt by those words? Wait, I had. Pardon me, I did try to act nonchalant about all these insignificant stuff sometimes. Maybe I should consider retaking all those acting classes.

i just wanna feel your heart

2011-11-25T22:09:00.001+08:00

Take this as an oath;
I'll introduce this song to the one guy (and only one), that I am sure was made for me - my soul-mate, in other words. I won't share this song with anyone else, I promise, because I want this song to be ours, only between me and my soul-mate. I want this song to be special. I want this song to hold a different meaning to me and to him and especially to us even if there are other individuals out there that relates to this song in a deeper meaning than I do. So here, take this as an oath, and pray for me that when I finally do share this song with that special someone, that someone will remain to be special to me for eternity. Pray that it won't be a mistake. Pray for me to not regret promising this.

2011-11-23T23:51:00.001+08:00

I'm so messed up it's not even funny anymore.

--

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I'm so messed up it doesn't even make sense anymore. Give me some time here, foreign language there, instruments here and there and I guess I'm okay. Go on and submerge yourself in the water until your chest heaves from the pressure and your head becomes softly lightheaded and I will be okay.
Fuck fuck fuck. It won't come as a surprise if one day I found out that they've been coursing through my veins all day long, all year long that summer turns to winter and winter turns to icy-cold drops of liquid drip drip dripping of the lamppost. It's like finding Narnia in a humongous closet; stumbling back to reality when you're finally living the life you thought is life.

'How can they do that?'
'I don't know. I don't know.'
'Can I do that?'
'I don't know. I don't know.'
'I'm fine, aren't I?'
'I don't know. I don't.'
'So there's nothing wrong with me?'
'I don't...

know.'

--

I'm fine. It's funny :)

you shine

2011-11-22T23:59:00.001+08:00

How to sing Happy Birthday to yourself - Jang Dongwoo style.

And oh Woollim the fail /facepalm

Anyway, hi. Been abandoning this blog for too long. It's because my writing muse is finally back so I've been churning out Infinite oneshots every two seconds. My emotions are in a mess right now, especially since there are just so many heart-wrenching masterpieces over there at dashidorawa.livejournal that I can't help but bawl. my. eyes. out at every damn piece I read. It's bad, I tell you, because they are simply so so good I can't resist. These authors, sheesh. Why can't I be as amazing as them? ><

Anyway, my birthday is coming up and I've been chewing my sister's ears about how I want a kitten as a birthday gift. The thought just popped in my mind, I swear. It wasn't even planned. And the way I came across it was not even relevant in the first place - almost absurd even but I won't even go there. Thing is, I keep thinking about how serious things are going to get by next year. With studies no longer being something I can delay, books won't even be a choice anymore. Everything academically-related is a must next year, which means less time having fun, and if worse comes to worst I may put a stop in using the computer at all unless if it's something to do with my academics. So if I'm willing to go to that extend in order to secure my future in a safe spot, can I please have something in return to stop me from losing my sanity along the way? Can I please have a kitten to at least serve as a distraction from all the temptations that are bound to be calling me, haunting me, tempting me?

I'll take great care of it, I promise. And I won't let history repeat itself (in which I was dubbed as the 'rabbit-killer' by my dear, dear brother but, that's another story for another day!). Honestly, it's just a kitten that I'm asking for - and no, I'm not saying it in a 'how hard can it be' way - and I swear I won't ask for anything else until SPM results are out. Honest to goodness, I'll even try to be less rebellious even after SPM ends just as long as I get this kitten. I promise. I promise. I promise.

So please? Can I have a kitten as a birthday gift? Please?

Oh, and puh-lease, these gifs are relevant. Okay.

ps: I keep having these.. scary thoughts lately. And apparently all they did were bring out the worst in me. Sometimes I cry during the most ridiculous times just because I feel like it. Sometimes I really really feel like crying but the tear ducts won't produce any for me and that frustrates me a lot to the extend that I feel like crying just because I can't cry. It's been disturbing me a lot, and it seems to be more and more frequent by the days.

my heart expands as your heart grows

2011-11-11T20:11:00.001+08:00

I'm reverting my Blogger template to classic. It's cause I can't really identify myself with this new, modernized template I've been having for weeks now. Another reason would be because of the increasing visits to my blog. For some reason, I feel scared whenever the stats displayed the number of audiences from countries like United States, Germany and just recently, Panama. It didn't take a genius to figure out that it's because of the recent template change, and so to cut off this mass traffic to my blog I've decided to once again, lurk around Blogskins.com for Blogger layouts just like I used to :)

Ahhh, I should probably start on my Aidil Adha experience now, especially since it was one of the bext Aidil Adha celebrations in my life. But honest to goodness I feel like it'll be bland and won't live up to its actual excitement because it'll be only words. Okay, fine, straight to the point - I didn't take any pictures. Therefore, I don't quite see the point in telling it all here when I don't have any pictures to accompany what I write?

You see, I love pretty pictures. Or in a more specific description, I love pictures which are so real you'll feel satisfied just by looking at them that you won't care if you don't get to see the real thing. I LOVE pictures like that and I think everyone does too. Whiiiiich leads me to my next point.

I'm not good in taking pictures.

Aidil Adha is a celebration to remember Prophet Ibrahim's willingness to sacrifice his own son, Prophet Ismail under Allah's orders. (Full story go here)

Muslims celebrated it by slaughtering four-legged animals that are allowed by the holy Quran such as cows, bulls, and camels (Again, go to the link I provided before assuming anything). Knives are sharpened on this day, blood is spilled on this day, cows' last breath are being drawn on this day. Do I honestly want to taint this day by publishing pictures that do not describe the purity of this holy day? The answer is no, I don't.

Reading back, I honestly don't know why I went on such an exaggerated explanation of why there won't be any posts about my Aidil Adha last year. Sorry to all my readers for having to bear with that. But okay, yeah, Aidil Adha this was a blast and I learned a lot. Went with the whole process of butchering the meat, cleaning them (especially the stomach!) and eating them. I'm a happy Muslim :)

i guess i'm all alone again

2011-10-24T23:59:00.000+08:00

I always thought of myself as unbroken. Strong, even. I can feel the scars etched deep across my skin, limb after limb, I can hear the mistakes carved on my lips, but I'm still here, no matter how so gloriously tainted I am both from the inside and on the outside. It doesn't matter. Because people cannot see what's inside, so unless I don't show, I'll be safe. That's what I used to hold on to. Now... I'm just not sure.
Say I have feelings, say that I want people to care about my feelings, say that I want to be selfish, say that I think I deserved the attention I want, will people give me that - whoever they are? But more importantly, am I allowed to want that? Or will it hurt me more when I found out that people actually don't give a fuck about anything that's not scarring them?
I can simply point out how lifeless I am, make it as a joke. Twist it, wring it, inspect it from left to right and laugh with this fake smile I've rehearsed too well, and laugh in this scarred lips with jagged shards protruding from the surface. I felt like I've been munching my way through ceramic mugs all life. It hurt. It still does.
As I'm typing this, I imagine. What it would be like to have one of them call me on my phone and asking if I'm okay. I would like that. Correction, I would love that. Or maybe if one of them comes tomorrow for a surprise visit just to see me, memorize the contours of my face maybe before they dash off to work after a quick hug and a meaningful goodbye that doesn't promise a goodbye but a hope for the next visit. I would love that too. And as soon as I read back all this crap I wrote I let out a hollow laugh you often read in books about a man seeing an impossible future with the love of his life that he made up in his tiny little head. He wanted to cry, actually. Don't believe the words imprinted, because he actually really wanted to cry but he wouldn't. I wouldn't. I won't. I'm not.
So much for 'sorrys' embedded on early mornings of August, so much for tears wetting both our sleeves, so much for tight hugs, so much for cheap words. They're not cheap anymore, they're free of charge. Something you would give a beggar on the sidewalk out of pity or maybe irritation. Why prolong an intrusion when you have the key to make it go away. Yes, money is good. I like that - a lot. See how much happiness it brings me, see how much these computerized thoughts glowed with a tint on gold on each and every word.
So hard to hold on to what's left of myself these days. It's like going on a rollercoaster ride and wondering if this will be final destination or one of the best rides of your life. They say life is one. Maybe that's why I haven't got off my seat yet.
Who am I, exactly? What do I want? What do I demand from everyone around me? What don't I want? Cause as far as I'm concerned I have everything that's enough for a 16 year-old so why the fuck am I complaining? Ingratitude? I think I don't have to ask all that to know that I'm being ungrateful. But what? What was I thinking before? What why who where how? How? How what?
Maybe I'm actually losing myself and I don't realize it. Maybe I'm not and I'm realizing it. Maybe... maybe.. why can't I be sure of one thing? That will be nice, for a change. I'm fine. I'm happy. Of course they'll matter more if they are true, but- No wait, no buts. They're what people want to see, what people want to hear, what people expect from me so yeah, okay, I'll do that. Nothing's the matter, see? I'm fine, I'm happy. Don't look beyond my forced grin and perceptible smiling eyes and just see me from the outside. And when you nod in assurance and walk back to where you come from with your back towards me, don't ever look back. Because I can't guarantee if I'll be strong enough to hold on for too long. So please, don't look back. Don't see me in my weakest form, don't see me underneath all these layers of pretense, confidence, happiness, don't see me as who I am. See me as how I want to show myself, see me as how you expect of me. And even if you do turn back, even if you do see me sprawling on the floor, even if you do see me talking to myself, holding onto myself, chasing after shadows of myself, don't stop and stare. Walk away. It's not because I don't want people to worry about me, it's because I don't want to bear anymore hurt of people only staring and not doing. So stop, spare me that last bit of pain I've grown too accustomed of feeling and just walk away.

I lie customarily and harass in the name of ‘love’

2011-10-21T21:07:00.000+08:00

Right now I'm wondering if Blogger killed the quality or I'm the one who sucks in making GIFs - using GIMP.

But lo and behold, three spanking new books to read during Deepavali break - all borrowed from Minnie (thanks love!). I haven't started on any one of them just yet since I know I won't be able to put it down once I start on the first page, so I'm actually waiting for the perfect time. Imagine; just me, lying on the couch with the book in my hands and earphones plugged in my ears.
Which reminds me, has everyone listened to Tablo's Fever's End Album (Part 1) yet? Cause if you haven't, then you might as well do so NOW. Seriously, there is no time to waste when it comes to Tablo and his songs, and all the tracks in this album are of no exception. I don't know why you're still reading this crap here when you're already supposed to be enjoying the first few seconds of Bad (나쁘다) - also my favourite song of the whole album. Hey dude, seriously, what are you waiting for? Go now! GO!

*edit
I'll set up an intro post since the new Blogger template doesn't enable... well, practically any additional functions except for the basics (which is only 'posts' but I'm trying really hard to not complain about anything nowadays) so I figured I need one. But that will come up only when exam is over, so bear with me for a while, dear readers! You'll find out about the author of this craptastic blog soon enough :)

and I'll wait

2011-10-06T18:17:00.001+08:00

It is during times like these where I cringed at my horrendous skills of photographing myself. I am not photogenic - should have made that a global fact by now. Nevertheless, I enjoy being myself in front of the camera and uuu, I have quite long lashes, don't I?
Finals is next week, which explains the lack of posts lately. But I'm available on Twitter! So follow me if you haven't. Tweets limited to only 140 characters are easier to come up with rather than an essay of organized points plucked off of my head. Excuse the laziness :D
(Oh look, the emoticons are back!)
I'll probably come back after finals are over, and with that taking up my whole November, maybe I'll come up with something worth posting in this precious blog of mine. Random but, is it too early for me to start getting excited about my driver's license which I won't get until after 18th of December 2012? I mean, I've begun asking my Mum to teach me how to drive and she was... amused, to say the least.
Declaring the H-word after so long,

HIATUS

Oh, and guys, if you want to win over your crush's heart, use this song - no reasons needed. Of course, make sure your tongue is well-rehearsed before the big show :)

2011-09-30T17:08:00.000+08:00

Deleted the previous two posts. It's nasty enough to know you're broken inside, but even nastier to be reminded of it.

guide me through this

2011-09-18T03:07:00.001+08:00

Have you ever felt as if you don't know what to feel? Like, there are just so many emotions running through this world that it wrecks your mind because you feel as if you have to choose what to feel? There's anger but it doesn't seem right, sadness that scares you, happiness which sounds all so appealing but so cruel at the same time - these big, huge emotions that broke down into tiny little pieces but still retain its effect and meaning. Yet you still feel this miserable empty space inside of you and you're forced to shove whatever emotions you think are right into your heart just for the sake of not feeling that emptiness anymore. Because to you, anything is better than not feeling anything - hollow, emotionless... lost.

Have you ever felt something like that? Have you?

Because right now, as I'm typing this at 2:49 in the morning, I'm feeling it. My head aches, my whole body hurts and my strained eyes need rest but I'm still typing, still letting my feelings out in the open for a stranger from across the continent to see. Because I need to feel this. This, whatever the fuck I'm calling it. Pain, maybe. Both mentally and physically. Anguish, sadness and all other emotions running through the world because this is better than feeling nothing.
It amuses me to realize that the world is so full of it, yet I still cannot find the only thing that's right for my heart, mind and soul as of now, today and as long as I want.

Funny.

Al-Fatihah to my very own father, Roslee Essa who passed away on the 13th of September 2011. May Allah bless your soul, and may you be worthy to be among the ones with faith and imaan. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

this is where you finally found yourself

2011-08-24T22:18:00.003+08:00

Fandom is focus. Fandom is obsession. Fandom is insatiable consumption. Fandom is sitting for hours in front of a TV screen a movie screen a computer screen with a comic book a novel on your lap. Fandom is eyestrain and carpal tunnel syndrome and not enough exercise and staying up way, way past your bedtime.

Fandom is people you don't tell your mother you're meeting. Fandom is people in the closet, people out and proud, people in costumes, people in T-shirts with slogans only fifty others would understand. Fandom is a loud dinner conversation scaring the waiter and every table nearby.

Fandom is you in Germany and me in the US and him in Australia and her in Japan. Fandom is a sofabed in New York, a roadtrip to Oxnard, a friend behind a face in London. Fandom talks past timezones. and accents and backgrounds. Fandom is conversation. Communication. Contact.

Fandom is drama. Fandom is melodrama. Fandom is high school. Fandom is Snacky's Law and Godwin's Law and Murphy's Law. Fandom is smarter than you. Fandom is stupider than you. Fandom is five arguments over and over and over again. Fandom is the first time you've ever had them.

Fandom is female. Fandom is male. Fandom lets female play at being male. Fandom bends gender, straight, gay, prude, promiscuous. Fandom is fantasy. Fandom doesn't care about norms or taboos or boundaries. Fandom cares too much about norms and taboos and boundaries. Fandom is not real life. Fandom is closer than real life. Fandom knows what you're really like in the bedroom. Fandom is how you would never, could never be in the bedroom.

Fandom is shipping, never shipping, het, slash, gen, none than the above, more than the above. Fandom is love for characters you didn't create. Fandom is appropriation, subversion, dissention. Fandom is adoration, extrapolation, imitation. Fandom is dissection, criticism, interpretation. Fandom is changing, experimenting, attempting.

Fandom is creating. Fandom is drawing, painting, vidding; nine seasons in four minutes of love. Fandom is words, language, authoring. Fandom is essays, stories, betas, parodies, filks, zines, usenet posts, blog posts, message board posts, emails, chats, petitions, wank, concrit, feedbank, recs. Fandom is writing for the first time since you were twelve. Fandom is finally calling yourself a writer.

Fandom is signal and response. Fandom is a stranger moving you to tears, anger, laughter. Fandom is you moving a stranger to speak.

Fandom is distraction. Fandom is endangering your job, your grades, your relationships, your bank account. Fandom gets no work done. Fandom is too much work. Fandom was/is just a phase. Fandom could never be just a phase. Fandom is where you found a friend, a sister, a kindred spirit. Fandom is where you found a talent, a love, a reason.

Fandom is where you found yourself.

Adapted from http://hesychasm.livejournal.com/187818.html

to fix stories for the guilty

2011-08-15T20:38:00.003+08:00

Apparently, best LOL/WTF picture of the night. My family can be a total wacko at times but it's a nice feeling to have, knowing that they'll always be there to cheer you up whenever something goes wrong.

If I'm ever grading myself into what kind of friend I am, I'll probably make it to 'decent'. I'm definitely not the best example out there for how a friend should be, but I'm not bad either. I'm more of a friend who has her moments; extra sugar, spice and everything nice here and there, make mistakes once in a while. Reliable but not completely dependable. The kind of variety you found in everyday life when you meet a new person and keep on advancing to the next stage with him or her.

Strangers for starters, then acquaintances, then friends, and then... they just become themselves, y' know? Like, after a while they've blended into your lives, adding streaks along the way until there is no more label that's good enough for them anymore, because they've finally presented themselves as who they are in your life and they're just... there. The people who, when you grow up and reminisce your golden days of being free and passionate and rebellious, you'll remember them too. The kind of people who'll be in your memory as long as you can still remember.

For me, that's friends.

And if there's one thing I'm sure about myself when I have this type of friends around me, is that it'll be hard for me to let them go once some unwanted circumstances crashed its way into both our intertwined lives. It's something I learned about myself - the hard way, if I might add - and something I'm trying to come to terms with although it's difficult to do so. Some of them who came and went, I managed to give up after a grueling long term of endless over-thinking and trying to accept fate. While some of them, just meant to be. As in, we're meant to be together as friends even after some wreckage along the way, not like some cases where we're friends, but there's an unspoken crack that will always be visible between us that, in whatever circumstances, shall not be spoken directly about with each other. Trust me, I have them. Aye aye, such a problematic teenage girl, huh?

To sum it all up, I guess what I'm trying to say is, in whichever way they're presented or in whatever way you view them, it's up to you to decide who they really are to you. Because it's up to you to hold up your responsibility in a relationship, not him, not her - just not the person you're in a relationship with. You and only you. You think you love him? Show it. You don't like the way she treats you? Speak up. And if she can't accept it, walk away.

But if you can't walk away, don't complain. Instead, question yourself as to why you can't walk away, which, in my opinion, is only because of two reasons:

- You're afraid

- You love him/her too much

If it's the first, don't fret because one day, you will walk away. It's just a matter of time before you finally summon the courage to drop everything and leave.

But if it's for the second reason, be proud (not intended for abusive relationship and the likes). You're actually teaching yourself to be more patient and more understanding of other people. There will come a time when you finally realize that hey, it's me who has to take the initiative, it's me who has to fix this, it's me who has to accept him as who he is.

Like I said, you're the only one responsible in holding your position in a relationship, no matter how many people it involves. You called the shots, and if the people around you are worth it to be called your friends, they'll come back to you when you walked away. Or in rare cases, they'll stick with you or probably even follow you just so that you won't have to go through it alone :)

the genuine values stuffed into a coffin by the bandwagon

2011-08-10T23:30:00.003+08:00

It's going down in this bittersweet symphony
don't turn around baby you're going down
In this bittersweet symphony
you're going down down and around

- Epik High, Shopaholic

Got my first August Test result today: Bio, 65. A barely there B, nothing to be proud of. I'll wait until I get all of my results before telling Mummy.

Changed my twitter. Back to the basic yo : http://twitter.com/alinroslee

Oh there's a new 1shot up in my LJ. Read it up, alright?

i'll cover your deep wounds and make you laugh

2011-08-04T17:12:00.005+08:00

Sulli is really pretty with that hairstyle. Like, really really pretty. If she likes this image of being the cute, bubbly, sunshiny girl in the Kpop industry, then she should keep this up. Bearing the fact that she'll never get to experiment with different images until after f(x) manage to be on par with SNSD and WG. Or she'll be bashed - badly.

It has actually been a long time since I put on a literary performance, poems-reciting, story-telling and the likes. And truth be told, I feel like I'm starting all over again with tomorrow's performance. Past practices over these few weeks drained me, because I'd forgotten on how to properly deliver the right feelings through my poem. At the first few practices, teachers commented saying that I lacked emotions. I practiced harder. Just this evening, Pn Masyitah commented on how I had to play with the tones of my voice while reciting, to avoid the poem from sounding flat through and through. I practiced after that for a few hours, and I suffered from major headache from each practice.

I'd forgotten how exhausting it can be, portraying your emotions, I mean. Especially when you're forcing them, having to strive your mind to capture the essence of each and every word embedded on that paper. What more when you have to control your emotions; to not lose it and to not let it overwhelms you. To be exact, to find the perfect balance of emotions as proposed by the penned masterpiece while struggling to recite every word of it in flawless beauty.

Anyhow, wish me luck for tomorrow, cause truly, it is my first performance after a very long time :)

And we're still here

2011-07-31T02:46:00.004+08:00

With Re-Do, cover dance group for BEAST. Spot your senior there, Twelveans! ;)

So it pretty much goes without saying that yesterday's flashmob was a blast. It was perfect, organized and most importantly, fun. Even when we were rehearsing under the sun with sweat sticking uncomfortably to our skin, it wasn't tense at all. Those guys, esp Re-Do (yes, I just have to be biased here) were cool. They cheered things up, cracked jokes and was so, so friendly. Even when I requested for some pictures they weren't in the least bit hesitant to oblige. And all those dance crews that were present, namely KIV, JYS and Epsilon were da bomb. I've always been familiar with Epsilon since they're the first Malaysian cover dance group I knew, but that did not take away the excitement of seeing them in person.

Not many pictures since I've been too caught up in learning and sharpening some moves but I did manage to catch up with quite a few.

With MTS2 (pronounced MTS square)! Legit DBSK fanboys xD

They led KYHD and Ayy Girl

JYS! Amazing 4nia(s) that led Mirror Mirror and Muzik

Wanted to take pictures with KYV because ho my shit, they weren't kidding when they led Hoot and Genie (Tell Me Your Wish). Unfortunately, I couldn't find them anywhere after the flashmob. Boohoo :/

And of course, event organizer from SWM. (I was sweating like hell here. God knows how awful I smelt)

Rehearsals and practices. Spot Aeen and Amall trying Without U with the help of the 10 Minutes Crew! Huge thanks to the 10 Minutes crew, especially that lady up there, for being patient with me. I kept messing up the dance moves, especially during the 'I'm gonna be OK' part. Heh, immature whuttt? xP

Oh and look, someone uploaded a fancam of the whole thing! Thank you, dearest uploader ^^

Aeen, Amall and I left early cause we had a train to catch. But those who stayed behind cooked up a video to demand SMTown in Malaysia. LOL I guess the fact that Malaysians are actually SMTown biased at hearts is just drop-dead obvious, huh? Well, who can blame us? SM family rules! Search for the video in YT, guys! Work those fingers like we did with our sexayy bodies yesterday :P

p/s: Sore butt, sore legs, sore arms, sore everything.

in an endless ring of hurt, it's a quiet war

2011-07-29T19:46:00.003+08:00

When? Tomorrow, 30th July
Where? Taman Jaya, Seksyen 52
Who? Myself, along with other participants and spectators totaling up to a whopping amount of 740

There'll be a total of 16 dances with 2 songs from each artists. And we're divided into 8 groups, and I was put into Group D! At first thought, I was thinking of doing the whole dance regardless of my bias groups but then decided that I won't have enough time to cover the whole thing. So, I requested to be put into the group that will start to SHINee. Now, my name's first on the list :P

It's my first time joining such a large scale event (heck, I don't even go to concerts if you don't count the free Hari Belia concert that I went solely because of SJM), so I'm pretty darn excited. I promise my blog will be updated with details of tomorrow's events so wait for it!

Malaysian Kpoppers fighting! ^^

p/s: Sincerest prayers went to the victims of the tragedy that struck Seoul. Hope everything will return to normal soon

let's walk to the end together

2011-07-22T21:24:00.002+08:00

There's only one word to sum up my life at the moment: boring.

Maybe it's just me being unappreciative, not thankful for what I'm going through and for what I have in my life right now. But honestly, it's still the same, right?

And know what's funny? That my heart still skip a beat - tiny, almost unnoticeable if I'm not paying attention - at the sight of him. It frustrates me a little, cause there's another frustrating side of me who screams in protest over this. Thing is, I can get over it easily just as long as he is there. And that, my dear non-existent readers, are two completely different boys; that to even diagnose a similarity between the two is umm, completely out of this world? Alhamdulillah, Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin for the chance to know of the boy - of the second 'he'. I'm lucky and blessed to know him, it's one thing I'm sure of.

Now now, a wedding commenced last Saturday, followed by a tragedy not worth mentioning. All I can say about the latter is, I do believe that someway, somehow, there's a reason of why it happened. And if it's one of the ways in being closer to the Almighty, I'll take it. Simply cause those chances are rare to find nowadays.

Two brother-in-laws in one year. What about next year? Umm, Abang Jih, kakar ipar pulak ke? ^^

whatever i say will be just excuses

2011-07-12T19:13:00.001+08:00

Won first place for netball today! Alhamdulillah :)

you don't know me

2011-07-10T22:03:00.003+08:00

Claps for new layout. And a very pretty one too :)

As all Malaysians would know, Saturday, 9th of July (which was yesterday) was the day where the Bersih rally was held. I haven't been keeping tabs on politics for God knows how long now, so I didn't really bother about the event when I first heard of it.

Thing is, what happened to freedom of speech? Fine, I'm a sixteen year-old girl who is still studying, but does that mean I don't have the rights to speak up for what I think is right? I know very well that the government banned Malaysian students from being involved in politics, but if you really do not want us students to poke our noses in this, you don't create a mess about it in the first place, got it? The rally was indeed illegal, I can't deny that but they've done every legal thing they could to voice out their rights and one by one, it was ignored. To say that yesterday's event was their last option doesn't seem like a rather far-fetched opinion now, right?

I'm not biased towards any side; only towards the truth. And I don't go and blindly point the blame at whatever side I think is right, that's just plain dumb. God gifted all His creatures a brain each, and God gifted us humans: minds, which separate us from all of His other creatures. Salah satu cara untuk bersyukur dengan kurniaan Allah; menggunakannya dengan tujuan yang betul.

Furthermore, I don't believe in not having a say in anything. It's either you're a coward or you rely on others to lead you and that, as frankly as I can get, is pathetic.

but it all is just a wish, still

2011-07-08T23:51:00.002+08:00

I will rewrite it again, our story will not end,
I will bury the fact that reality is seeping into my skin for now,
I rewrite it once again, the start beginning with you and I smiling happily,
In case you will leave me, the background is a small room without an exit.

I'm the writer who lost his purpose,
The end of this novel, how am I supposed to write it,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I keep writing these three words,
Setting the worn-out pen on the old paper stained with tears,
This story can't be happy or sad.

i was wondering who would understand my heart

2011-07-06T15:53:00.002+08:00

And I have all the time in the world to make this post, right? /facepalm

I was definitely elated once I found out that both f(x) and 4Minute will be having a joint stage for MuBank. I even marked it in my memo as a 'not-to-be-missed' event because there was this itsy-bitsy part of me that stans f(minute) after seeing them shared the encore stage together during one of f(x)'s wins with Pinocchio. I disliked Hyuna but HyunBer can pretty much pass as my adopted baby cause I ship them - hard.

Being completely unbiased, f(x) did really, really good with Mirror Mirror. Amber's intro was tacky and blehh but it worked; for some reason, it just did. And I just love how they performed Mirror Mirror without taking away the originality of the song, instead they blended themselves to fit the song without taking away their originality. To make it simple (and this is such an overrated statement used regarding this performance), f(x) could just easily claim Mirror Mirror as one of their songs and Kpop fans wouldn't even blink about it.

But 4Minute on the other hand... half-assed Pinocchio through and through.

A mere 30-seconds into the performance and I was already gripping my laptop with such ferocity because I just wanted them to stop right there and then and just hopped off the stage if they're going to be so nonchalant about it. Girls, honestly, I know Pinocchio does not suit your image at all, at all, but when you cannot merged one thing with another, you don't try it, get it? You don't prance about the stage giving sultry looks while lip-syncing to 'Ttara-ttara-tta ta ta, jogak jogak tta ta ta...', and you don't mess up some normal, hard-edge rap with a shirt-stripping antic in between.

I guess what really offends me as a fellow f(x) fan was because of the lack of enthusiasm showed by 4Minute while doing Pinocchio whereas f(x) could have been possibly scraping their butts off just to polish the choreo for Mirror Mirror. I hate the whole 'I couldn't care less about this' vibe they gave off as if that song was something below them; something that's not worthy to be performed by 4Minute.

lean on me like I promised you to

2011-07-03T16:33:00.007+08:00

Deleted the previous posts. Blehh, emo is boring.

Google Chrome crashed a few mins ago while I was waiting for City Hunter to load and boom! Bookmarks, history and practically everything I saved in this browser were gone just like that /snaps fingers for emphasis. Bummer, no? Been practicing dancing for the past few hours - especially Replay since it's known for having one of the thoughest choreos in Kpop. Sure, it was hard but it was really, really fun! I'm thinking of learning the whole thing once I have some free time in my hands. Which will be... after SPM :/

I wonder if I can pass this week to Thiiban and take up his week? I hadn't enough time to search for a topic to present during assembly this Tuesday and if I walk up the stage only to be stuttering the whole way through, I'm gonna die. Datin and Dr. Tan are going to bite my head off - literally.

I'm so freaking exhausted, both mentally and physically. This will be one of the rare moments where I just want to hop on a time-machine and went back to being a 5-year old Alin. It was much simple back then, no commitments, no problems. Just the world filled with unicorns and rainbows and although that applies only in my blissful imagination, it's still nice.

Ergh, need to start practicing again. Wish me luck for this Saturday :DD

and my existence is fading away

2011-06-11T16:44:00.001+08:00

Day 10: A Kpop dance you'd like to learn

Make that two Kpop dances I'd like to learn - and am currently learning, by the way.

First up, is epeu ekseu (if you don't pronounce it the Korean way, then it's f(x)) with their latest song, Pinocchio (피노키오)/Danger.

The second song is B2ST's Shock which in my opinion, is one of the most difficult choreo I've ever seen. Mad props to Prepix. And it's such a tough dance to feat because besides having to get all the moves right, it's a must to perfect the moves by doing them smoothly, otherwise it'll look messy and all over the place. There are some dance choreos which will still look okay if done sloppily but that's not the case for Shock, unfortunately. The moves have to be slick and sharp and just to sum it up; perfect.

So yeah, there you have it. A quick summary of the Kpop dances I'm currently trying my best at. I was hoping I could finish at least one of them before school reopens but eh, too many distractions ~~and disturbances~~ along the way.

so goodbye, don't cry, and smile

2011-06-10T21:35:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm not using this blog to how it's supposed to be used - like a ~~boss~~ blog. The only thing that's filling its empty corners is the 30 Days Kpop Challenge which I'm not even sure why I took it up in the first place. Sorry :/

your heart is telling me goodbye

2011-06-09T15:47:00.002+08:00

Day 9: Your favourite Kpop performance

I have a soft spot for both Sulli and Taemin (call me SM Town biased for all I care), but that's only a quarter of the reason why this is my favourite Kpop performance. I was stuck between this and the 2009 Popular Dance Covers to be honest, but in the end, I chose this.

Their engrish is cringe-worthy (bricked) but the performance saved it in the end. I'm not a big fan of Britney Spears nor do I like 'Circus' but imo, they really brought up the 'circues' on stage.

you're filled with curiosity

2011-06-08T15:11:00.002+08:00

Day 8: A Kpop song you know all the words to

f(x) Pinocchio (피노키오)/Danger

I swear, the lyric have got to be one of the sweetest I've ever found in Kpop. And quoting SME,

"the lyric tells a story of a girl who felt love from someone for the first time and is learning love while analyzing the one she loves based on sheer curiosity through 'Pinocchio (Danger), a character in a children's book, making listeners feel as if they are seeing a fantasy animation"

Currently learning the dance - and anticipating the repackaged album, 'Hot Summer'! f(x) GO GO!

Thank God affxtion.com took the initiative to sub the video, so clicky-click here to experience Pinocchio's love :P

i hate this love song

2011-06-07T14:07:00.002+08:00

Day 7: A Kpop song that makes you cry

Let's make that 2 Kpop songs, each from my top two favourite guy groups.

Reset, it's the first Kpop song that makes me cry. I remember cause it was one hell of a night when I put this song on repeat and literally let the tears washed over me. It was during the time when I first got into Kpop, around 2009.

As for Quasimodo or 'Arrow' if to be directly translated from Hangeul, it was after SHINee's Lucifer was released. Up until now, it was one of the most played tracks in my playlist, being my absolute favourite after Electric Heart. I can't point out any imperfections in this song because there's none. However, I have to say that it's the emotions they portrayed that has got me absolutely smitten with this song. I still remember the tears I shed and the emotions I felt during the first few times I played this song - priceless, really.

for some reason, my heart's fluttering

2011-06-06T00:30:00.003+08:00

Day 6: Your favourite song from your favourite Kpop girl group

This is easy.

My Style from f(x)'s first full album, Pinocchio

now this is from me to you

2011-06-05T14:19:00.004+08:00

If you ever stumbled upon this blog again, know that this post is dedicated to you. The blog post I made concerning the relationship I had with my sister was never intended to be found by any of my family members, especially by you. Trust me, it was never my intention to ruin this new relationship I have with you although maybe it's too late to say that by now. You may hate me, you may dislike me and I'm not going to correct you on that because I know you have the rights to do so. Even so, do acknowledge that I will not take back what I wrote in that post even though I've deleted it. I deleted that post because I don't want it to bring any damage to those mentioned in said post (again, even though it may be too late to clarify that now), but I'm never taking back what I said. I apologized for my offensive words; for even writing word after word of the situation I was in, even - but I will never take back what I said. Why should I when I meant it?

I'm sorry if the relationship we're supposed to have is now ruined beyond repair ever since you read that post. Trust me when I said that the only thing I was thinking when writing that was to let it all out. I did not want to tell anyone and I did not want to keep it to myself either, it's too unbearable. Probably by doing so I was unconsciously tending to my own selfish needs but not to worry, I'm all grown up now and I know I won't be making such foolish mistakes again.

I think I care about my family too much and I expect them to do the same thing towards me. Which was why I grew frustrated because they did not. Which was why after time, I grew further apart from each and every one of them, no matter how closed I used to be with any of them. It's all understandable, really. I've seen it occurred within my own siblings so I always knew that sooner or later, it will be my turn. I guess you out of all people should realized that by know; how our family works I mean.

Sorry for being off topic, and I do not intend to explain why I wrote that post in the first place because chances are, you'll never understand. No one does. It was the reason why I decided to let it out here instead. Big mistake now, I see.

All in all, I still respect you and I still accept you as who you are even if that may seem so hard to believe. I never blamed you for anything. In Allah's name, I never did once blamed you for anything.

I do not mean to be rude this time, but please let this be your last visit to my blog. Now that you know I have one and I sometimes share my deepest secrets in here, please refrain yourself from telling anyone about this. This blog is my only safe haven and it's the only thing that reflects who I am since this past 4 years. I'm introverted enough towards my own family and I do not want to be even more so if they knew about this blog. I'm really, really sorry - trust me, I am. But I will really appreciate it if you managed to leave me and my privacy alone from now on.

Let's continue with our respective lives from now on and just be happy with it :)

love is what we suggest

2011-06-04T14:56:00.003+08:00

Day 5: Your favourite Kpop song from your favourite Kpop guy group

Sure, Super Junior is my ultimate favourite, but I do have other guy groups that I adore. One of them would be Epik High. I'm not sure if they should be considered as a 'guy group' or a hip-hop trio but it's still the same right? /grins

I heard this only recently, which is around January this year if I'm not mistaken. I fall in love with it as soon as Tablo starts rapping, and his rapping is always something that I can't say no to. Of all Epik High's songs I've stumbled upon, Heaven is the only one that manages to leave me breathless no matter how many times it's being played :)

reborn into someone everyone will see as perfection

2011-06-03T23:29:00.003+08:00

Day 4: Your ultimate Kpop girl bias

Trust me when I say that it actually took me a few hours to finally decide on a Kpop girl bias because I don't have one. No seriously, trust me. Sure, I have a bias amongst girl groups but to choose an ultimate girl bias is like asking me to choose between Super Junior and SHINee. Imagine if I'm allowed to have only one of them in my life; Super Junior or SHINee. My answer will be that I'll kill myself first - now you see how hard this question is for me.

But, now that I did sit down for a couple of hours to think this through, I'll choose Krystal. Yeap, Krystal Jung or preferred to be called Jung Soo Jung, the ice-princess of f(x).

I'm really embarrassed to admit this, but she used to be one of them that I disliked in the Korean pop industry. There's just something off about her to me. And being Jessica's sister (whom I have a very weird love-hate relationship with), kinda caused the dislike to be equally divided between the two of them. Long story short, I disliked the 'Jung sisters'. Even so, I did bring myself to at least become a neutral fan of hers but I just couldn't no matter how hard I tried. In time, I learnt to get used to her presence and simply did the wise thing in ignoring her. There's no use anti-ing, imo. It's just a waste of time.

It wasn't until I watched f(x)'s Koala that I finally found the other side of Krystal. The outgoing, enthusiastic, caring, childish side of hers which I simply adore until now. She was the kind of person I know I can click with; the kind of person who has no problems in being my best friend.

It was since then that I love her and everything about her. Besides all those characteristics I've listed, she also has this cool, laid-back aura that I found really intriguing - especially when it belongs to a 17-year old girl. Oh, and have I mentioned that she owns this super gorgeous bod that made even me jealous?

I'm not in love with her like how some are willing to go les for Amber, but it was more of an admiration. Who knew that beneath that ice-princess stare is actually a sweet, bubbly teen who is waiting to be find out? Take this as a lesson for life,

never judge a book by it's cover.

trying to forget the girl, who forgets herself

2011-06-02T21:48:00.003+08:00

Day 3: Your ultimate Kpop guy bias

To be frank, I wasn't really into B2ST when they debut. I love Bad Girl, seriously. But that was as far as I did go. It was during the time when Shock was released that I started to take them seriously as a guy group. I was still a neutral fan, but if my friends asked me about my bias, I told them that I liked Yoseob.

But it was during Breath (숨) when I finally noticed how appealing Jang Hyunseung is. And I've stayed with him ever since. Even though there were times when Junhyung and Gikwang almost messed up my bias list but ehh, my fangirl love for him is strong :P

seep through the cracks like honey

2011-06-01T14:30:00.001+08:00

Day 2: Your favourite Kpop girl group

The one and only,

에프엑스

you stepped on my heart along the way

2011-05-27T13:21:00.002+08:00

I guess I should start now. I've been delaying this since forever, so here goes.

Day 1: Your favourite kpop guy group

Anyone who knows me long enough or have been sticking with me ever since I first got into Kpop would know that it's Super Junior (even my mum knows LOL). I've spazzed about them a lot of times in my blog and in real life. Even through the times when I did not (I have to admit that it's quite rare to see me spazzing about SuJu nowadays), they're always at the top of the list and absolutely nothing can overtake them.

I know that they may not be the 'best' guy group out there, and I've heard sayings here and there about them actually being lame. Some of them even went as far as to point out that if SuJu is not under one of the big 3 companies, they're pretty much a failure. It hurts. Trust me, it does. But after a lot of thinking, I realized that a guy group is not just about being one of the guy groups out there, but it's about doing what you love together with the people who you love. Super Junior is actually family. They're just so many good and bad things happening between all 15 of them that you'll have to be blind to not see it.

Somehow, I am always grateful that I managed to discover SuJu when they were still together as a whole. There's no lawsuit so Han Geng was still there and Kangin was still well and healthy. The only downside was the issue regarding Kibum's frequent disappearances from live performances and reality shows but either way, they were not apart yet. They were still together, still Super Junior.

If you could see just how much Leeteuk is trying so hard to play his role as a leader, you'll know that he's done his best. The thing is, he doesn't know that - so he keeps trying even though it's already clear that he's already a perfect leader for all of them. Try having 14 members under you whom you have to protect, take care of and share their insecurities besides hiding them from the rest of the world. Call me if you tried to take up the challenge and did not crack at all under the pressure.

Super Junior ♥

the show is starting

2011-05-14T01:45:00.003+08:00

Mid-Term is not over yet (there's like, one and a half more week to go). But weekend is here and I deserved a break. With that said,

30 DAYS KPOP CHALLENGE

Day 1: Your favourite kpop guy group

Day 2: Your favourite kpop girl group

Day 3: Your ultimate kpop guy bias

Day 4: Your ultimate kpop girl bias

Day 5: Your favourite kpop song from your favourite kpop guy group

Day 6: Your favourite kpop song from your favourite kpop girl group

Day 7: A kpop song that makes you cry

Day 8: A kpop song you know all the words to

Day 9: Your favourite kpop performance

Day 10: A kpop dance you'd like to learn

Day 11: Your favourite kpop music video

Day 12: The very first kpop song you've ever heard

Day 13: A kpop group you dislike and why

Day 14: A kpop song that makes you smile

Day 15: A kpop song that reminds you of someone you miss

Day 16: Your favourite kpop lyric (and a translation)

Day 17: A kpop idol you wish was your older sibling

Day 18: A kpop idol you wish was your younger sibling

Day 19: Your favourite interview of a kpop idol or group

Day 20: Your favourite picture of your guy kpop bias

Day 21: Your favourite picture of your girl kpop bias

Day 22: Your favourite picture of your favourite kpop group

Day 23: A picture of a kpop idol who you think is underrated

Day 24: A picture of a kpop idol who you think is overrated

Day 25: Your favourite kpop music video

Day 26: Your favourite cover of a kpop song by another kpop artist

Day 27: Your favourite dance battle

Day 28: Your favourite cover of an American song by a kpop artist

Day 29: A kpop song you never get tired of

Day 30: A kpop idol that has amazing eye smiles

Accepted

누난 너무 예뻐

2011-05-09T15:51:00.002+08:00

I will never get tired of listening to the Japanese Version of Replay. Never ever ever ever cause this song is just too beautiful for words. Everything about it is indescribable; ineffable even. There's just so many feelings pouring in whenever I listen to this song and the way it's done is so mysteriously unfathomable.
Too many adjectives, I know, but indeed, one of the most beautiful songs I've ever stumbled upon in my life.

posted from Bloggeroid

risky risky, dangerous dangerous

2011-05-07T18:42:00.002+08:00

I won't promise you forever
Because everyone promises that to anyone

It'll be such a loss, so she thanks God that he didn't back when he still had a chance to. Cause now she's spared of the burnt hope that should never exist; the hows and whys of why things turn out this way.

She had lost him. Him who didn't promise her forever and now won't be here to promise her forever. It's not relevant (because she doesn't want it anyway), but it won't make up for the times where he will leave her behind.

And from now till forever, he will leave her behind.

She doesn't believe in miracles, but Kim Kibum did (she winces at the use of past tense). But now at 11:11 and at every sight of a shooting star she goes on her knees and puts her hand together as she prays and prays and prays for the impossible.

Her shoulders feel cold during the first few minutes, but a drop of warmth touches her and spreads towards her whole body.

And she shivers. Because she feels a smile and an approving nod just right there beside her that prods her to open her eyes and smile beneath her tear-stained cheeks. They flush red and she shivers instead - with her eyes still close and her cheeks still wet.

Dear God,

I don't know if it's for the better of for the worst,

but don't let me feel Kibum anymore,

because it's only reserved as a form of hope, and I never knew what hope was

WILL BE BACK ON THE EVENING OF 25TH MAY 2011

Wish me luck in Mid-Year dear readers :D

i've become someone who knows nothing but you

2011-05-02T17:25:00.005+08:00

If there's one thing I hate about upcoming exams, it must be the feeling of being so scared and unsure if you're going to do it right but you just can't help but succumb to your slacker side either. I admit, the whole future-flashes-before-your-eyes the moment you decided to take just a second break from Add Maths (although you only started studying a few minutes ago) and switch on the computer is deathly terrifying; future-ly terrifying.

But hell, I talk too much. What am I doing here then?

Exactly :/

♥

We looked so different here, but hey! Opposites attract :P

p/s: I know the skin is kinda corrupted, okay? Give me time post-exam and I'll find a new one. My head hurts from skinhopping all hour long @.@

seep through the cracks like honey

2011-04-29T18:59:00.003+08:00

One year and eight months after debut, you finally achieve your first win

Congrats f(x). Words can't express how much this win means to me.

*cries*

To many more wins and trophies to come, fighting!

Victoria Amber Luna Sulli Krystal

Forever

♥

shed off that cold image, colder than a knife's blade

2011-04-27T19:51:00.003+08:00

I never thought this would come from such a quiet, sit-in-the-corner type of boy like you, but well oh well, my assumptions are always wrong. This is of no exception.

I was first shocked when I read that on my dashboard, but then I laughed. You know why? Because this came out from a boy who talk so much in FB and the likes of it, but is so invisible at school and real life. This is what you call by freedom of speech? This is what you call by being outspoken? This is what you call by being true to yourself? Hold the bucket for me while I vomit, thanks.

Honestly, don't talk so much if you know you're not capable of doing it. In other words - if you're a coward. Fine, I admit that I am harsh right now, probably harsher than I'm supposed to be. Heck, I don't think this is too big of an issue for me to point it out exclusively in my blog. But you know what, I don't care because this involves my rights and my religion.

You have opinions? Fine, but learn to identify the reasons why some opinions should be kept to oneself. Like I did point out in in FB minutes before I remove you as a friend,

It's one thing to use freedom of speech, but it's another thing to abuse it

You don't like the way I roll? Well, I don't like yours too. So it's fair. And just fyi, I LOL-ed when you delete my comment asking you to move somewhere else if you're not satisfied in living here. Guess you can't take opinionated comebacks huh? It's alright, no hard feelings here.

Like I said, it's all fair ;)

scan me from head to toe, whining and buzzing

2011-04-23T07:27:00.003+08:00

I'm positive that I'm not the type of person who blushes easily, especially about this thing called... *gulps* infatuation. But a lot of my friends say that sometimes, I do - if not all the time and to be frank, it's creeping me out. I especially hate things that I have no control over what more if it involves my appearance in public. Aigoo!

Another thing to be frank about is; THANK GOD MY STUDYING MOJO IS BACK! For months I've been agonizing over my lack of enthusiasm in studying. Last night I finally flipped through my dusty, yellowing Chemistry reference book and studied one whole chapter without fail. It was bliss. Sorry for saying this but thank God that practical teacher won't be teaching us anymore. Sorry Cik Hartini, you're super nice but I don't think you're made for this field /bricked

Exam is in less than two weeks (I think?) and I want to get straight A's ~~to prove that I'm not bipolar~~. No laa! I just feel like ever since the beginning of the year, I've been slacking off way too much and not taking my studies seriously. So I guess it's about time I do so. Getting number 16 in class for March Test was serendipity, but I shouldn't take that for granted. Well, not yet now that Mid-Year s on its way.

On that account,

SEMI HIATUS

I'll come back and update from time to time but not as regularly as before. Hoping I'll still have my blogging mojo when I come back. Amin.

ps: I got my oppa back! Welcome back you, old you ;)

pps:

steal the emerald, that iris moves slowly, slowly

2011-04-21T17:02:00.004+08:00

Now that I've listened to every track of f(x)'s First Album, Pinocchio, I really wish they'd promote My Style instead. Nuff' said.

Exam is in two weeks. Will it be enough to cover all of the subjects? Especially since I don't have a clue about most of the topics in Chemistry and Physics. Seriously, I'm not going to be a Physician or a Chemist now that I've learned what the core subject is really about. Atoms, ions, and uhh, sodium monoxide whatever the crap you really are, I am not interested in all of you so stop being so damn complicated :/

Oh and dude, I got your message. Hmm, I guess there's nothing left for me to say other than good luck cause let's face it; I won't be in your life anymore when you're going through that whole soul-searching process. It was nice while it lasted though, that I won't deny (although there were the frustrating times but meh).

Maybe our relationship failed, or maybe it was me that failed us. Either way, I don't wanna know.

let's see, let's read, let's empty out my heart

2011-04-19T20:52:00.003+08:00

Welcome back Amber boo ♥

< >

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr

I failed again in using the best and being the best of what God gave to me as a human being, as a Muslim, as a daughter, as a sister and as a friend. Lies will it be if I say that not a single regret I felt once facing with the decision for it's a hard one, but in the end it doesn't take a genius to realize that it's the right decision. Mainly cause easy decision are always wrong.

I guess this is best for both of us because honestly, I don't want to let ignorance eat me up alive anymore. Oh, and now that things have calmed down and I'd managed to think things through, I realized that the problem between us right now is that we became two different people to each other. It's understandable, really - that's what life does to you. So it's not your fault, in fact, it's mine because I can't accept changes.

Anyway, as depressed as this post may sound, I'm okay. Honestly, I am. So don't worry about me (but never forget to mention me in your prayers every single day), life your life the way you are now. I do hope we can remain good friends after this, but I'm not letting that soar up too high. We were actually osm while we lasted, it's just too bad that we can't extend it to forever.

2011-04-17T14:31:00.002+08:00

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001924/

Honestly, do I need help?

Love rides the rain

2011-04-16T09:24:00.001+08:00

I love morning rains.
Kinda give off the vibe that nothing bad is gonna occur for the rest of the day.

posted from Bloggeroid

being alike and knowing it too

2011-04-14T01:38:00.003+08:00

It's currently past 1 in the morning and I still have a stack of essays to complete (for the most unfavorable subject, if I might add) before school tomorrow.

On the other hand, I'm finally done with Hanis's video. But I can't help but wonder what was running through my mind when I agreed to edit the video for them although I knew that there are a lot of homeworks to be done - all waiting to eat me up. Aigo, I guess there are moments when I'm just too kind for my own good (and I do hope this is not my narcissistic self speaking).

To unload some of the drowsiness, school today was horrifyingly embarrassing. I need to remind myself to not perform anything related to Kpop in front of the class ever again - cause obviously, this is not 3 Amiga we're talking about.

Geez, I miss you guys so much, you know that :(

and I'm willing to wait

2011-04-13T16:51:00.002+08:00

I'm a realist.

But I fall in love at the age of 14.

And I'm wondering if I can still be considered as 'a realist'

*EDIT

ZOMGASDFGHJKLBWAHBWAHBWAHTHISISTHESHIZZESTNEWSLIKEFTW!

Honestly SM, how can you expect me to hate you after all this? This is like not being the fairy godmother anymore, but giving us the fairy godmother herself to decide and fulfill our own wishes!

I will enter this contest. Read my ~~lips~~words, I WILL. This will be harder than trying to figure out yesterday's Add Maths homework (Indices & Logarithms, mind you) and writing an essay for last month's IDLA 2011 (which I'm sure I'd lost, anyway). This, requires a full-time, undivided attention and focus for the one name that's fit enough to be f(x)'s official fanclub name and *coughscoughsbeatingothersuggestionslikethefistofanangrygod*coughs

*puts on thinking cap*

Alin, try your best and you can do this! Remember, Monday 18th is quite a long time away - NOT.

searching for angels in the dark

2011-04-12T14:53:00.004+08:00

This post is a bit heavy (or can be summed up as plain balderdash to some), so if you're not up for anything melodramatic in the middle of the day I suggest you skip this post and come back another day when I have a new one attached. But if you're a Kpop fan - or in this matter, an f(x) fan like yours truly, you will probably acquire a slight hint of what I'm going through (both as an f(x) fan and Kpop fan as a whole) and if that so, then you may proceed. But don't say I didn't warn you!

Looking back, I have always enjoyed f(x)'s music ever since the early days of their debut. I'm not really sure of what drew me in; probably because they're young and fresh, or because LA chA TA was clean, simple and anything but over-the-top - but one of the factors that I'm undeniably sure of is because their music represents me as who I am. I was still a new Kpop fan back then, and even though there were still so much to discover in this huge fandom, so many more girl groups that are more experienced, I never did lose interest in them. Ironic as this may sounds, I strongly held the belief that their music equals to who I am and vice versa. And I've been holding on to that ever since.

Notice that the only element I've touched so far is their music and nothing else? Well, that's because it was the only thing I seemed to take interest in. Yes, I learned their names, I know their connections, their backgrounds and their scope of specialty and advantages in the team - in other words, their respective roles. I guess there was some part of me who had begun to love f(x) as f(x) and not simply because of their extended branches, but somewhere somehow, I wasn't there yet. Which kinda explains why this happened (see next).

You see, after rumours flew about that two of the youngest maknaes in f(x) were quite disrespectful (to put it in word; rude) there was this strange irking feeling in the pit of my stomach towards those two girls - only those two girls. And then this whole shit happened regarding Amber's MIA (SM, I blame you) and rumours only started building up more and more that I just had to get away for a while and put on a little more focus than necessary towards other fandoms. That's where VNT came in. Don't get me wrong, VNT is still ♥ but if it's not for the fact that Lil J had left the group, they'll still be one of the groups that I'll root and cheer for. I don't want to put my hopes up too high in case they don't work out. And you know what they say; once a person left a team, it will never be the same anymore.

I guess I can say that my eye-opener is f(x)'s Koala. I don't know what urged me to watch it (considering that I'm so left behind), but I just did and I was struck by how normal they are. Especially by Sulli's and Krystal's revelations. They're actually normal teenagers who want to enjoy life and just have fun - but most importantly, they're just like me, you, and every other teen in the world. And it's such a shock to actually realize this alongside the stress and pressure of what they had to go through for every single day of their life until God knows when.

That's where the turning point took place, and the rest (as they say) is history.

So now - yes, now, I'm proud to say that... Wait! Hold on, I guess you already know what happened to me as an f(x) fan ;)

ps: Told ya that this will be dramatic!

pps: 20th November is anticipated. f(x) hwaiting!

one person, one love; I'm sick of it

2011-04-09T20:44:00.004+08:00

Byebye long hair, and hello to the duplicate version of T-ara's Eunjung's hair aka Yoon Baek Hee in Dream High.

I was quite worried in case it won't turn out the way it should, considering that my face is more towards the plump side whereas Eunjung's is more slender. It didn't help that the first few minutes of getting my hair chopped off were a complete nightmare, especially when the hairdresser kinda exposed both sides of my face so that those fats hanging on my cheeks were in plain view. Tembam kott, tak suka lah :(

Oh I guess the best part of the day has got to be when I stumbled upon a Lee Jong Suk look-a-like. My oh my, he was just so hot, especially with the brown highlights in his hair. The only thing that sets him apart from the original (LOL WTF?) is his lips. Obviously, Jong Suk's ones are plumper :D

Anugerah Cemerlang tomorrow! Excited for the reason that Amiga is going to be together again!

your lips are of bitter poison

2011-04-07T20:16:00.003+08:00

THIS. THIS. THIS. THIS. THIS. THIS.

Is what I have been anticipating since news of f(x)'s impending comeback was dropped like a bombshell months ago. Not to mention, there were rumours circulating the net that said comeback might be pushed back to early May. And my speculation was this - SME is trying to hinder f(x) from competing with other girl groups debuting or making a comeback this month. Not that smart of an assumption, I know but do I honestly have a choice?

But oh God

This. This. This. This. This. This.

Is bliss at the end of a bad day

And to think that this waiting is finally repaid with a first full album *hyperventilates*. Honestly, f(x), I love you so damn fucking much - you are my saving grace, officially.

p/s: I simply cannot deny that this is actually pretty smart

the wind drops where you had left off

2011-04-05T15:05:00.002+08:00

This is probably irrelevant based on my current circumstances, but I'm proud to say that I own a pair of shoes which is quite similar to which Victoria is wearing. The colour differs though (mine is black), but everything else is the same - and seeing her wearing it with such style actually gave me a few ideas for my own pair :)

and i wonder if this is the last

2011-04-02T17:59:00.002+08:00

Either leave or stay.

And all he needed was a decision to wrap around his dainty little fingers. For others, it might be one word each. But for him, it was that and a thousand more synonyms to come.

Because everyone knew that his life revolved around him and him only. And if it was for the worst or best (no one could tell, because no one cared), no one could actually thought of a good enough reason to even contemplate it in the first place.

So he left, and he took everything with him. Everything that did not belong to him; everything that did, just so that when he went to his usual evening walks people would look at his large, threatening figure and did not do a second guess as to why his shadow was larger than life.

Because this was he, and he had everyone assuming him to who he was not.

So when the glass finally shatters, clouds all harden and breaking into discreet little pieces that dislodge themselves into his bare feet, people talk and assume.

But this time mouths go by the things he left behind six lifetimes ago.

To them, hyperbole is not a hyperbole anymore when it, itself is a reality. They look at him being the victim of time, situation, people, feelings but never because of himself.

Back in the shadow; the closed curtains of the behind-the-scenes itself, true victims are holding their own heart in their hands. Shaking, disrupting, jiggling those hearts trickling and dripping with blood

and asking if they still possess the will to live

life is like a prize, but not everyone is living

2011-03-28T16:11:00.002+08:00

Because this is relevant :P

Won 2nd place in debate against SAMBest. I swear, they're like damn good. Oh and trampled SMSU and SMK 13 along the way.

Never thought I would achieve this after waking up at 7.15 in the morning, and panicking my ass out which caused my phone to fly through the air before crashing on the floor. And I do meant fly.

Alhamdulillah Ya Allah :)

if you go, I'll thank you more

2011-03-24T22:01:00.003+08:00

My first GIF. Took me at least 30 minutes to get this right :)

It has come to my senses that one day, I will want to be respected and looked upon not because of what I do and what I had done in the past, but simply because of who I am. When I hear sayings like 'He inspired me...' and 'I want to be the next him/her...', I'm honestly marveled by the capability of that certain someone. Because influencing someone else by yourself takes such a superhuman effort (to my eyes, at least). It's in men's nature to look down on someone else, what more to bring down another person; which is why first impressions exist and the phrase 'never judge a book by its cover' is widely used.

I love the fact that God gives humans advantages, and not only can we use the advantages upon ourselves but upon other people too. The matter of either using it for good or for bad is another story, cause I think that depends on the person itself and not otherwise.

It take years of hard effort and patience to build up respect, but take a wrong step and it will all came crashing down. Which is what's happening in today's society; because expectations are too high up and people have gotten on the wrong definition of respect. Instead, they worship. It didn't matter if one is not like what they had thought one is, because people make mistakes all the time; it's just a matter of other people realizing said mistakes or not. When reality is exposed, they called it a revelation of deception and simply not the word itself; reality.

This thought actually came while I was working on the 1200-word essay as I was feeling rather dizzy after spending 3 hours in front of the computer while thinking up words to be inserted. It just scares me a little to know that there are people out there who do what they have to do for the sole reason of being respected and well-known and not because they are doing it for themselves. Why though? Making other people happy surely is a tough job, isn't it? What more if you, yourself are not happy while doing so. Probably because the world today is so messed up that the human race had become corrupted like that. Oh well,

'cause everybody dies but not everybody lives' - Moment 4 Life, Nicki Minaj

Nice ramble while working on three topics for BM inter-school debate competition happening Tuesday next week. Probably won't be getting any sleep tonight cause I have to prepare for both sides - the government and the opposition as well. Having second thoughts about going to school tomorrow. Repeating Cik Aqilah's 'Aigo!' over and over again. AIGO!

hold me even though we're drifting away

2011-03-22T18:37:00.003+08:00

I wonder if there is a miniature Lee Sung Jong sold somewhere around the world. I'll buy if there's one of course, regardless of the price and the availability. Then, I'll keep his teeny-weeny 'mini me' in my pocket and bring him around with me wherever I go, so that I'm free to hug him, pinch his very adorable cheeks and demand him to do aegyo on me whenever I want to.

Nice attempt at discreetly stating that he'll be your very own personal slave, Alin :P

Oh and debate just now was da bomb! We totally kicked the government party right in the asses. It was real nice - the feeling of stressing your own points, that is. The thrill was exciting, because in the middle of standing up for your own points, you'll never know when will the opposition called out for a POI. And the slightly panic feeling you'll get running through your veins when you had to think real quick for a comeback was intoxicating. Being the third speaker is definitely something I won't regret, ever!

nothing's over between you and me

2011-03-21T23:11:00.002+08:00

Kak Lah's engagement ceremony. LOL at Abg Muz's face xP

I guess, there will come a time in your life where you have to choose between your friends and yourself - whether the choice you made will be able to bring privileges to you or the ones around you. Some cases, it'll be best to step back and pass the chance to said friends, only if you're sure that the goodness it'll bring will benefit them more than you.

But in my case now, I'm going to fight for this, mainly because I know I deserved this more than him. Don't get me wrong, you're good in this, but I'm going to improve myself so that I'll get better and better until I'm worth it to receive the title 'best'. I'm not asking you to step down, but you can fight against me in this - although, don't expect me to lose that easily either ;)

I never thought I'll be this competitive about anything in my life, especially not for some inter-class competition. But after hearing what Wei Jun's brother had said about me, my spirits fired up to the point where I know I can be better than you. Just watch tomorrow, and I promise you that I'll prove your assumptions wrong because I will win tomorrow's debate match. Trust me.

you can't leave like that

2011-03-20T17:20:00.003+08:00

I guess I should give you credit for even trying in the first place, even though you seem so ignorant to my eyes now. Who are you? Or more accurately, what are you?

You know what? Forget it. This is not even worth blogging about.

p/s : Prove me wrong though ;)

you're reciting a spell on me

2011-03-19T13:04:00.002+08:00

Ask any Malaysian students why tomorrow will be such a pain in the ass and you'll get the same answer: because school is opening.

On a brighter note, Kak Tyha's coming back for real next month. Same thing goes to Abg Ja and family, they'll be coming back to Malaysia for good after living there for more than 3 years. Double yay, I guess. The house has been too silent now that everyone has gone back to their respective homes. I miss Tok Ma though, she's always the chatty type and she really really adores oppa. But now that she's gone it's been so quiet around here that it's becoming more and more surreal by the hour.

The house is back to its previous state too. No more wedding ceremonies for now, only around July will things be picking up their pace once again, this time with Kak Lah's wedding. Abg Muz is really really nice, so I'm really happy for her. It's quite surprising to me because we clicked right away - with Abg Muz being hyper and me dripping with sarcasms almost all the time. Come to think of it, having two brothers-in-law in a year isn't that bad after all.

This is officially my favourite performance so far because Sung Jong winked for twofreaking times!

*faints*

beyond the vivid dreams floating

2011-03-18T19:54:00.003+08:00

Probably by the time I post this, awak dah pergi. Nevertheless, I'm taking my chances here and you'll still be able to read this anyway once you're back home which will be lagi berapa hari eh, awak? Oh right, 71 more days.

Hmm, okay, let's start. Oh, sebelum tu, kita nak awak pasang lagu Hana (One) dulu, just because :)

First of all, kita memang tak suka awak since Form 1. Sebab awak exactly like what people tell you are: annoying. And I know awak tahu yang kita tak suka awak and kita pun tahu yang awak tak suka kita. Tapi yang peliknya, kitaorang cool pasal benda ni kan? It's like everything is okay because we disliked each other, tak ada this whole 'one-sided dislike' or that sort of thing, so kitaorang chill. Like, sangat chill.

But then, the inevitable happened when we were in Form 3. And although awak sendiri sedar yang kita lagi rapat dengan Aeen daripada awak, in the end kita pilih awak jugak. And you've asked this before and I've given you the answer, so now it's still going to be the same.

Sebab kita just rasa this urgent need to protect awak, and kita sendiri tak faham and tak tahu kenapa kita rasa macam tu.

Come to think of it, all of us felt that way, you know? Anisah, Hanna, Myra, Aynaa and me. Anisah especially, dia betul-betul risau pasal awak and how you're going to cope with the aftermath of it all. Kita dengan dia okay je, we're not the most affected because we have each other, but awak? I used to feel so bad for you tau, so guilty because I felt like I couldn't give you something to at least heal the pain you were having at that time. Kita rasa macam kita jahat sangat sebab kita tahu yang kita boleh share Anisah dengan awak, but kita tak nak cause kita nak dia untuk kita sorang je, because I have her to myself for too long sampai kita rasa pelik kalau kita nak share awak dengan dia.

Sebab tu kita rasa happy bila Hanna, Aynaa and Myra start rapat dengan awak. Time tu, kita rasa bersyukur sangat sangat sebab kita rasa macam diorang semua boleh bagi awak apa yang kita dengan Anisah tak boleh bagi awak.

Apa yang awak tak sedar is that, disebabkan kitaorang semua rasa this huge responsibility untuk protect awak lah, yang kitaorang semua boleh rapat. It's like, kitaorang tahu takkan ada that one person untuk ever replace Aeen untuk awak, so kitaorang combined untuk at least bagi awak the chance untuk lupakan dia. Kita tahu kadang-kadang kitaorang buat jokes yang amat menyakitkan hati, but awak kena faham. At that time, awak sangat lifeless, awak tahu tak? You're like a living doll, unable to feel nor express anything. So kitaorang buat jokes tu just for the sake of wanting you to at least 'feel' something. Kita happy sangat bila awak respond to those offensive jokes, mainly because at least I know that you're not severely wounded as before. Kalau awak perasan, our jokes were getting lesser and lesser after that (part of it is because Aynaa is not around anymore duhh :P), but also because you're gradually healing day by day.

To tell you the truth, bila 'benda' tu mula-mula jadi, kita sangat tak tahu nak buat apa. It was the first time in my life where I truly felt as if kita tak boleh handle a task, because you were so fragile and kitaorang memang tak suka each other before that so time tu memang kita rasa macam kita betul-betul fail dalam guiding awak through the pain. Jaga awak, and protecting awak had fallen into Anisah's and my responsibility automatically, and now when I look back at it, kita sangat sangat bersyukur kita tak lari daripada tanggungjawab tu.

Kalau awak ingat, kita pernah bagitahu awak untuk betul-betul cherish Hanna, Myra, Anisah and Aynaa semua, sebab sangat-sangat susah untuk jumpa orang macam diorang. Yes, they rarely express their feelings, but their actions speak louder than words. Kita harap awak sentiasa ingat apa yang diorang semua dah buat kat awak, just for the sake of giving you protection and happiness.

Now that you're going someplace else, kita rasa lost sangat sebab kita dah terbiasa dengan cara kita protecting awak. Tak kisah la in what way, kita marah awak ke, kita pujuk awak bila awak nangis ke, kita bagi awak ways to bitchslap a bish ke (well, not literally 'bitchslap'), but awak sentiasa ada tau tak? Especially bila Anisah dah takde, kita betul-betul rely kat awak and kita harap awak pun rely kat kita jugak.

Kita nak awak rasa grateful kat Anisah, Hanna, Myra, Aynaa and especially Aeen. Sebab kalau bukan because of her, things won't definitely turn out this way. Aeen is not a bad person, it's just that she makes mistakes, like all of us do. This past one year, I've seen you grow up and mature like how you are now, and it makes me happy to think that all of us helped you a little in achieving just that. For all the mistakes you did and may do towards me, kita dah lama maafkan awak.

Thank you sebab bagi kita chance untuk kenal awak, and for letting me know you a lot deeper. Kita rasa happy sebenarnya bila kita kadang-kadang boleh tahu apa awak fikir, and apa awak rasa, and sometimes kita boleh predict apa yang awak nak buat. A huge change from when we were Form 1 kan? And also, thank you for understanding me. You're one of the few people in the world who never tries to prod my fragile side, thank you sebab faham yang I can't be strong all the time.

This is definitely not goodbye, and walaupun kita tahu this is a selfish request, kita harap awak takkan jumpa kawan baru yang macam kitaorang kat sana. Oh and jaga Key untuk kita! And Ryeowook too, because kita still sayang dia walaupun tak macam dulu :)

Take care, study smart and we'll meet again, alright? Text, call, hantar surat - anything just so long that we keep in touch. Oh and last but not least, I love you, saranghae :)

See you in Korea, Nur Hazwani Edora :)

i keep wanting to be the star for you

2011-03-17T01:43:00.009+08:00

Ever since indulging myself in Kpop a couple of years back, I've only ever been passionate about 2 boy groups (read: boy groups), namely Super Junior and SHINee. Sure, time passed and lots of amazing bands and solos debuted along the way.

In those period, I've picked up a tiny bit of MBLAQ, a lil bit of B2ST (I hated Mystery, and although Bad Girl was good for the ears, Mystery really wiped it clean for me. And truth told, I'm still having a hard time adjusting to the song), CN Blue (it was an-almost BOICE at first sight), a teeny-weeny bit of ZE:A (just cause Mazeltov was fun to sing along too) and at last, Infinite. Dalmation was almost non-existent back then, because I disliked Round 1, and Teen Top came in the wrong moment because by then, I was already too immersed in books to pause and rewind the song even for a while.

Looking back, CN Blue kinda had a huge impact on me because I'm A Loner was excellent. I was speechless the whole time I was listening to it for the first time and there wasn't any part in it that would make me cringe. In general, it was perfect and there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. Bluelove didn't disappoint too, and my favourite track from the album is Sweet Holiday hands down. But I guess it's because they are an indie rock band, which could be counted as the main factor of why I couldn't properly stick with them during their period of being inactive. I'm more of a cheer-during-comebacks kind of BOICE rather than a diehard one which would lurk around their forums and watch their videos or shows they were in while waiting for their comeback (but I'm currently anticipating their next one like ohmaiGod). No, I'm definitely not that although I do count myself as a BOICE at heart :')

But Infinite on the other hand, is definitely something. Surprisingly enough (for me that is), I first watched them through their live stage at Music Bank a few days after debut. I remember the weird feeling I had, because a group of guys chanting '다시 돌아와' over and over again while doing some kickass dance moves were simply too bizarre to be absorbed in a short period of time. It was only when I logged on to allkpop,com that I realized they were rookies, and they were under the same label as Epik High (that fact made it a double HO YEAHHHH!). That was when it all started, as you can read from this post which I made months ago regarding my honest thoughts on their debut. First Invasion was definitely a good start towards marking their journey in this industry.

Then, they released Evolution, and people could easily tell from the MV of Before The Dawn that they have adapt to Epik High's usual format of music, not just through the song but said MV as well. It's actually nice to see a solid storyline being portrayed rather than the usual showcasing of dancing and singing. So, with Infinite, I get a breath of fresh air every. freaking. time. they. did. a. comeback which is why I stick with them even during their time of being inactive.

Now Inspirit has just been ~~released~~ leaked (which is a shame though, because now I feel guilty for listening to the songs although it was before I found out that that they were actually, uhh, you know... 'leaked')

Nevertheless, probably the MV for Nothing's Over will drift off from their usual standard, but that won't be strong enough to disappoint me because Inspirit is just absolute bliss. Honestly, how many times have you heard of a remake being as good as, or probably better than the original song? Trust me, not many. But Infinite is simply,

Infinite.

Faithful as an Inspirit by your side, Infinite :)

p/s: Just my 2 cents. Besides, this is what we call freedom of speech.

I'll wait for you at the seventh star

2011-03-16T18:28:00.003+08:00

I'm an emotional extrovert. That's why it's so easy to guess what I'm feeling or thinking, cause it'll be splashed directly upon my face.
I own a fragile heart. That's why no matter how strong you thought I am, you will always be proved wrong.
I'm difficult and hard to handle. It's another thing to know the right actions to take when you're with me and a completely different thing to accept me as who I am and be yourself when you're with me.
I have severe mood swings. And the downside of it is that I can't seem to control my emotions that well.
I say whatever I like, whenever I want, to whoever I think deserved it in whatever way I think is suitable. And if you know me well enough, you'll understand that I did it because I care about you deeply enough to point out your flaws but still embrace them.
I look scary, unfriendly, annoying, negative. But again, you will be proved wrong if you took the chances in knowing me better.
I take into account the smallest and most discreet details. Which is always the first few steps towards becoming paranoid about something.
I make mistakes that I'm not proud of. And I don't care if everyone does it too, because what matters is that I'm doing those mistakes, and I'm the one who is not proud of them.
I love when I can make people happy. Because it's always comforting to know that some people smile because of you.
I dream high. And I'm confident that I will reach them one day even when some of my goals are impossible.
I talk a lot. Because silence terrifies me.
I dislike waiting. Because I rather know than having to keep on guessing.

Obviously enough,

I'm not perfect. But it's the only thing about me that I don't mind because then, I know that I'm being myself and no one else.

the world is mine

2011-03-14T12:58:00.002+08:00

So yesterday was a blast. And of course, a few mishaps here and there were inevitable. I woke up quite early for a start (dah mengaku tu), and everything was already buzzing in preparation. Auntie Shida brought Nasi Lemak for breakfast and we had Nasi Dagang for the engagement ceremony. Kak Sha cried while hugging Mummy after Uncle Lid officially handed her over to Abang Faizul. I cried too but that's beside the point laa blablabla.

And then there was the break in between the engagement and akad nikah ceremony. I thought that I would finally acquire some spare time to harness my debate and pantun skills but boy, wasn't I just wrong? By the time all of the guests had gone home I was so damn tired I slept for a few good hours until it was finally time to get ready for the real thing.

Pictures can be found here :- CLICK

God is giving us a warning

2011-03-11T18:54:00.000+08:00

Pray for Japan
Pray for the whole world

Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin

i have nothing to say

2011-03-11T16:29:00.001+08:00

Pantun, debate, Sejarah presentation.. Sily me for thinking that I can enjoy this one-week holiday.
아이고!

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you make me wonder why

2011-03-07T16:36:00.003+08:00

I got a job.

Well, not exactly 'got' got a job, but the person in charge did ask me to fill out a form and submit it anytime if I'm serious about it. And it's a part time job, and he says that I can just come anytime after school as long as it's not too late, and it ends at around 6 something. I don't know what kind of job it is, but since it's in 99 Speedmart, it's bound to involve some restocking and arranging of items right? I guess I shouldn't be choosy since I've been looking for a job since forever and most of the shops only offer spots for school leavers waiting for their SPM results. I just hope I can cope if I really get this job though - what's with all the homework and the studying and having less and less time to online. Shit, I need to check if there's WiFi there :/

Oh, and Hannaaaaaa! Thanks for informing me ^^

p/s : I know this is out of line, but what's with kids these days putting crap as their status just to make them look cool? Mulut macam tu kau ingat ada orang nak respect ke. Oh LMAO. Kids these days xD

This honestly brings a lot of memories :')

noticing you for the first time

2011-03-06T13:44:00.006+08:00

I think Secret Garden pretty much changed my preferences on things. And yes, just to answer some of your questions, he (the amazing guy with the knee-weakening lips up there) actually left Oscar because he finally realized that I'm the one for him. No no no, not you, but me. So you can suck it betches because he wants me and only me. I actually thanked the directors for giving him a homosexual role because I wouldn't have to munch my heart out seeing him with another girl even if its only on-screen. That's how possessive I've become towards him ;)

Anyway, as I was saying, Secret Garden definitely changed my outlook on other dramas. Let's not stray to the fact that it was the first Kdrama I've successfully watched right until the end, but right after I was done with Secret Garden, I switched on to Dream High. From the first episode, you could clearly see Taecyeon doing his thang with those loan sharks and I've got to admit that it was pretty amazing since him being Taecyeon and well, Taecyeon. If I had been in the right state of mind, I would've squealed and cheered for him when he started running away and doing those usual jump-over-the-fence and kick-butt-blablabla stunts.

But actually, I wasn't. Instead, what was playing in my mind was,

'Stuntmen'

And I got bored straight away. I mean, it's not such a bad thing to be able to distinguish real life through them black boxes (aka TV) right? Yes, I'm actually enjoying the show and a part of it is because of Taecyeon himself, but every time there were scenes requiring him to unleash a little butt kicking, I wished he would just hurry up and get it over and done with. And now I just don't freaking know if I should blame Secret Garden as a whole (minus Lee Tae Sun slash MY guy Lee Jong Suk) or myself for being plain boring and unenthusiastic at times.

But then again, it doesn't hurt to be bilateral once in a while.

So Dream High, do continue.

And Taecyeon dear, I have 5 words for you

I really love your headphones /wink

balancing on a string between two hearts

2011-03-04T20:39:00.005+08:00

Never judge a girl by her looks. Instead, judge her by her room.

Before

After

I delayed tidying up my room for more than a week (much to my mum's distaste) just because of exam. Looking back at the picture, I actually can't imagine myself even stepping foot into such an eyesore, and I kept putting on the blasé look every time my mum mentioned it. I won't actually consider myself as a neat freak (like my mum), but I do have my limit. And truth told, the one-week mark is just too much to handle. So, exit a hysterical dumpster, enter the aftermath of 4 hours full of spring cleaning = that's where the second picture comes in.

Oh, and for some added bonus!

Wookie & Locket :)

Side by side although miles apart. The heart symbolizes it all (although it will be quite awkward if it's to happen in real life)!

Wookie has actually been around longer than Locket by exactly one year. So Wookie is Locket's oppa! His love-shaped paws is absolute ♥ cause it's so adorable; and his fur feels so soft against my cheek every time I held him close to sleep :D

So hey, this is Wookie!

it began with a letter and ends with pain

2011-03-02T14:52:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I love you, Mum. Forever :)

And okay okay, I know this may not seem that relevant but hey! It's TOP and he's singing a song that's somehow related to a mom.

...

Oh fine, this song is not relevant at all but I love it. Your argument is now invalid :P

p/s: Deleting my Tumblr. I appreciate you my followers ♥♥

temptation without enough holic

2011-02-28T22:08:00.004+08:00

-Parallel Lines @ LJ

I wrote this last week, if I'm not mistaken. In the middle of cramming my head with lots and lots of historical facts and preventing it from exploding, I turned to modern days technology for a rapid stress-reliever. But this, oh yes this,

But she never once lured into turning her head to capture the image of the beautiful man nor did she ever succumbed into laughing along with that said man, mainly because it hurt so damn much to find the verandah empty and the walls no longer bouncing off his octaves whenever she did a double take. So she continued on her way, water brimming in the corner of her eyes as she took in everything and felt everything without wanting to confirm anything because there’s nothing to be confirmed off in the first place. Many times had she wish for his strong arms to curl around his waist and rested his chin on her shoulder so that she could at least know that he was there and not something borrowed by her merciful imagination – but past tense had been the connector between her and the remaining specks of him ever since... And what hurts more was to realize that there was no more ‘him’ alone; instead either it was either how he was (used to be) in the past, him and everything about him or just nothing about him at all. Sharing him with something, anything else was her only option to still have him – because she’s just not strong enough to let go.

This is probably one of the best works I've done so far, and I'm so proud of this because it's one of the rare moments where my fingers will just tap the keys without halting even for a second because everything just comes flowing in :)

Anyone got an mp3 download link for Crucial Star's Tonight? I've been searching for it everywhere but with no luck :/

Which reminds me that I haven't checked out BEAST's Shock Japanese Version yet.

he stopped believing in the power of birthday candles

2011-02-28T17:40:00.001+08:00

Mum made that - this really sweet Kelantanese dish called 'Pengat Labu' or if translated roughly is Sweetened Pumpkin, I guess? She knows how much of a sucker I am for sweet things, especially if said sweet things originate from my hometown :-)
Oh, and a plus point will be because this week is full-on exam week. 엄마! 고마워요! 많이 사랑해 ^^
p/s : Sorry for the unrotated picture. Using 유근 (Yoogeun) right now.

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2011-02-26T16:57:00.000+08:00

Nice, eh? :)

you are my star

2011-02-22T22:28:00.002+08:00

I've spent quite the whole day studying my ass off. In fact, Chemistry's revision book is currently resting on my lap.
/fixes invisible specs
I still have a lot to cover, and does it help that Add Maths make no sense at all? And to realize that it's just Chapter 2 when in fact exam is taking up until Chapter 3.2 scares the shizz out of me.
Oh GDI I haven't revised Bio yet =='
Aigoo!

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i wrote this for you

2011-02-21T23:50:00.003+08:00

My first icon that I'm truly, truly proud of. Yes, it's just an icon but it's still a masterpiece to my eyes :)

I totally forgot to mention about the most significant news of today: I wasn't accepted to either MRSM or SBP. Surprisingly, I'm okay, mainly because I've accepted the fact that I'll be studying here until Form 5 so I'm not bummed at all to know that I've been rejected yet again. My mum kept asking if I'm really okay (masa tengah replay SJM's Perfection pula tu ==') and if I want to do another appeal but I kept saying no. In the end, because I was so tired of her non-stop persistence, I retorted,

'It's like asking for food from a rich aristocrat'

Not to say that it was humiliating for me to keep appealing for an acceptant, but it is a bit downgrading in a way. They must've reviewed my form, read my letter so they must've spared me a tiny bit of consideration even if I was pushed away at the end. Thing is, I have my limit. And judging from the amount of rejection I keep getting, I can say that I finally get it now. Yes, thanks for your time and cooperation and I'm going to make your work easier and stop bothering you guys with my letters anymore. OK

And to top it off, I don't think I'm ready to be fully independent yet. Look at right now, for example; I'm staying up at 12:18 AM on a school night blogging about the optimistic virtues life - my life has to offer. What a way in looking at the brighter side. Hell, at least it's better than moping around feeling sorry for thyself.

And as I'd said to my mum earlier, 'let's save this excitement for the day when I will truly use my freedom to live in S Korea.'

Of course, the usual response I would get whenever said subject is mentioned; smiles.

If fate has it, I'll be living at home until after I graduated high school, which will be a plus point to my mum cause I know she's itching to teach me a few things about being a woman. Cooking, tidying and such things we, women are supposed to do are bound to be somewhere in me in the next few years. But yes, okay mum, they're not all there is in a woman. Easily proven by how she stressed on the importance of table settings. Plates have to be placed in the right way, aligned according to the motives that were printed on top of it (if they were any). One wrong placement and that's it, we'll die. Even serving the rice has its own way, GDI. Pretty much explains why I'm anxious every time I'm the one who has to set the table; because most of the time I can't get it right and I'm bound to have an earful out of it.

Cheers to the delay of living independently; supposedly until the right moment comes.

/winks

cause you're too perfect to fit me

2011-02-21T18:24:00.003+08:00

First of all, YOU knew this was coming. YOU freaking knew this was coming so don't you dare say I didn't warn you beforehand.

Introducing Super Junior M's latest track, Too Perfect/Perfection

I honestly don't know where to start. The choreo, the vocals, the tempo... Each and every thing about this song is Too Perfect. And it deserves some hardcore spazzing.

*30 minutes later*

This song is still on replay and I think it'll continue to be so until God knows when. Come back tomorrow for things to be perfectly normal, cause for sure NOW, I'm not.

/back to fangirling mode

a simile, a metaphor

2011-02-19T22:57:00.002+08:00

I can't believe this.

There was no more Milo in the ladder, and knowing me, I have to have my daily dose of Milo or else I'll flop, really flop. And when I opened the container only to find out that it was empty, I whined. I whined to my mum. I, Alin Roslee - WHINED to my mum about not having anymore Milo. Well, I settled with milk instead but that's beside the point. I never whined - at least not the shoulders shaking, the lip-pouting and jumpy jumpy kind of whining.

And then there's the aegyo gif thing. I mean, yes, he was known for being cute even when he, himself doesn't realized it. And it's not like he brags about it all the time, he's actually pretty cool about it. But when he did that aegyo I have no idea why I rolled my eyes. No, you did not misread. I ROLLED MY EYES.

What's wrong with me? Honestly, it freaks me out. I'm just too much these days, too drama-queen, too rude, too hyper so yes, it is freaking me out.

Oh WTF is this?! That gif is literally all over my dash now.

Scroll spot! scroll spot! scroll spot!

Kay that's it. BRB need to dai

when kids threw rocks at me

2011-02-19T13:54:00.002+08:00

4:26 - 5:28 were the happiest moments of my life. And I think I even died at around 4:20 to 4:30 cause OMFG GIKWANG'S SO MF HOT SPAZZ SPAZZ SPAZZ

But it's kinda hard to imagine Yoseob and Dongwoon as some high school gangster. I take one look at Yoseob threatening Gikwang and I go LMFAO. Sorry boy, you're just too adorable to live up to that.

Urgh, I hate this kind of stuff. It's like purposely torturing the fans who never went to their concert. I need the official MV NAO or I'll probably dai from having to squint my eyes so hard to capture every little detail of fantaken video. If Cube or SM don't release their respective MVs soon, I-I-I... Well, I don't know what I'll do but I'll definitely do something!

And tickets for SS3 are currently selling - at Sungei Wang :'(

a dream within a dream

2011-02-18T19:30:00.002+08:00

Before I get to my daily dose of what happened todays, enjoy a nice snapshot of what I would say ~~dumb~~ errr, no, you can judge for yourself 0=)

I am so gonna dai if she finds this little blog of mine. Oops, sorry dear, but you should really know the correct spelling if you're gonna make it public. Otherwise, that ^ will happen. Again, insert angelic emoticon here.

Tomorrow's LBT. Tak nak lari, nak jalan. And then when we pass in front of my house I'll sneak inside. At least I'll attend the first half of tomorrow morning, right? My attendance will still be taken. Oh clap clap clap at this awesomely genius brain of mine.

Oh, and to you who turned out to be the victim,

I never thought I will say this to you, much less pity you over the situation you're forced to be in right now, but trust me, she's not the best thing that has ever happened in your life and she won't be one either. Better things will come to replace the ones you lose, so please, don't be afraid to let go.

Hope you'll find a way out of this mess soon. Sincerely, me :)

i'm on stage rapping still

2011-02-18T00:15:00.003+08:00

Circumstances are against me these days. Take yesterday for example. Some stupid bish hogged my shoes with her fat ~~booty~~ feet, her ~~Beyonce bum~~ Bigfoot feet. So now I'm left with a pair of 8 sized Velcro-strapped shoes which is so not my type. I do have a certain pick over school shoes, believe it or not, so the ones with the straps are what I will avoid when I'm buying a new one. Stupid ass-prick -.- You better hope I find it next week or I'll curse upon you all the way until your 9th generation.

And yes, I'm kidding. Saya bukan orang yang kejam (sangat) laa -.-

And nowadays, I'm not being self-absorbed or something, but I swear his face is popping out everywhere these days, especially in Tumblr. It scares me honest, cause yes, it's been what? A freaking one week and I still can't get over being so damn conscious of my lips every single time his subject appears. Gahh, I feel like such a bitch. A whiny bitch plus a drama queen to-be.

AND WTF WITH THE PICTURE OF HIM LYING IN BED?

WTF WITH PEOPLE CREATING EDITS AFTER EDITS OF IT?

WTF WITH IT SPAMMING MY DASH?

Okay, that's it. Quitting Tumblr. Bye-bye dearest followers

cause i feel like a missing shoe

2011-02-14T15:26:00.002+08:00

2 plates of pasta, a bowl of boiled tapioca and ice-cream, 2 slices of ice-cream bread and now I'm full. It would be nice though, to be eating banana fritters de=ipped in vanilla ice-cream (shoving this sentence to Hanna's face right now) while watching the supposed-to-be-released-TODAY comeback video of SJ-M feat. Eunhyuk and Sungmin. It's what I have in mind anyway. But urgh, the date's pushed back to 25th February, another freaking 10 days from now. And to think that for once in my life, I was so looking forward to today.

School was boring, as per usual.

*30 minutes later*

Oh, hi. Back after bitch-slapping a bull. Fine, maybe that's a little too harsh, so okay: I'm back after stating my opinion about certain matters.

Sometimes, when I trolled some tumblelogs, I could see some people commenting things like 'this is Kpop, you'll get bash for every opinion you make' and things like that. I don't know why, but this kinda ticks me off. Not because I'm currently in this situation and am trying to save my ass here. But I tend to believe that for every opinion you make, you'll be replied with opinions too. It's not a matter of bashing, it's just a way of rotating things. It's almost like, if you can have your say, then why can't I have mine? Your opinion can be doubted or supported. Either way, it will be always opinions, whether you like it or not.

If people tend to take said opinions as a form of critique or bashing, then I don't think it's fair to just blame the Kpop fandom in general. But please, be smart enough to distinguish the difference between ridicule and feedbacks. A snarling 'YOU'RE NOT A TRUE FAN! BACK OFF FROM OUR OPPA BEFORE WE MAKE YOU SUFFER' comment is obvious enough to know that it came from a less-stable fan, right?

Of course, I, myself can't stand ridicule either. But every time those kinds of comments pop up, it's always in our choice whether to reply in a constructive manner or just ignore. As for me, I'm a defensive person, that I will admit. I'll simply use everything there is to support me or my actions until I can no longer find any proofs to back me up. And when it comes to that, I'll say sorry in the end, because at least I have reasons of why some of my actions/speeches are unacceptable and with those reasons, I can find ways to fix my flaws and be a better person. But then again, it's up to certain individual's mental strength, I guess; whether they can endure it or not.

you turn a cocooned soul into a butterfly

2011-02-13T17:40:00.004+08:00

I'm feeling a lil bit melodramatic. Has been since last night which prompted me to write this asdfghjkl oneshot. I'm not one who used such strong qualms in a story, but blehh, last night's mood changed me. Must be because I'm finally done with painting the house. Yay me!

My sister's boyfriend's parents are downstairs, talking and planning the wedding which will be commenced in December, I think. 2 brother-in-laws in one year... *puff cheeks*

On the brighter side, homemade pasta for dinner and apple pie for dessert tonight ! And on Tuesday (since it's a public holiday), will be out on a Korean food hunting with my sister. Boo-yah!

Oh oh wait, have I mentioned this?

LEE JONG SUK IS MY CURRENT KDRAMA CRUSH. SO BACK OFF CAUSE HE'S MINE!

I don't know why, but I think it his lips that called out to me in the first place. I'm always a sucker for full or pouty lips, and he possessed just the right definition of such. His cupid's bow is quite hypnotizing to me @.@

Kyaaa~

*goes into fangirl mode*

trust that it's true

2011-02-12T01:57:00.003+08:00

I was pretty much on the verge of deleting my blog since it has been neglected over the past few weeks, mainly because I've been on Tumblr more often now. But I've changed my mind, so yeap, won't happen :)

Didn't go to school again today - for the third time this year, I think. I woke up at around 6.45, uniform and books still unprepared and I just simply said to my mum, 'can I not go to school today?' and of course I got the usual 'why?' but I answered back, 'Idk. Besides, hari ni PJ.' And that's all. I guess I'm quite fortunate to have a mum that's kinda cool about these kinds of stuff.

Slept until 2. Yes, 2 and painted the house again for the umpteenth time right after. It seems like a never-ending task for me, but I think it'll be done by tomorrow. There's just a little bit more area to cover and then I'm done.

Oh, and to Hanna,

That tumblelog is a bitch

I read your macro and I DID shit bricks. Just cause they can't make awesome macros they have to bitch about other people macros to make them feel better. Bleh, bish don't have a life, seriously.

*whips sunglasses out*

Come on, Hanna. Let's go

*walk away - the Diva style*

I'll open the door for you

2011-02-10T02:05:00.002+08:00

I think I'm about to do the unthinkable. No wait, I did the unthinkable. I never thought that it would be this easy. Heck, I even went as far as thinking that it might be impossible. But I'm here, and I'm still going through it without breaking a sweat.

Sometimes, I feel guilty cause I think he didn't deserved this at all. It was purely because of my over reactive imaginations and wild dreams that caused me to be this way. Honestly, I'm really sorry towards you. But you were a huge factor of why it turned out wrong, and the only way I can do to correct that is by... doing this y'know. I'm seriously sorry, but I'm already half messed-up now and I don't want to worsen that.

I guess it's no surprise that I've been so self-conscious of my lips lately. And sometimes I don't even realize that I am until I finally caught myself in the act. It has turned out to be a habit - either good or bad is just something I can't generalize. Not to mention, the impossibility of saying your name out loud. I've referred to you as 'maknae' nowadays, cause it's easier and less torturing (oh lol with the melodramatic)

Heh, I can't sleep

everything about you makes me wonder

2011-02-06T04:00:00.002+08:00

You know those rare moments when you had just experienced something so bizarre, but there's just something about it that makes it awfully wonderful as well? And when you don't know which one is the chart-topper for the other, and you just need to spill all these curiosities to someone just so that they will give you the answer and solution to this bizarre-moment-turned-ultimate-question? But as time goes by you're slowly attacked by the realization that they might just raise their eyebrows at you for even telling them about it? And you just don't know whether to tell your friends or just keep it to yourself...

Yeah, that's what I'm going through right. this. instant.

I'll admit that it's actually no big deal, but I can't say that it's not freaking me out. Yippee! The drama queen side of me that's buried for far too long is slowly making its way out of the tunnel. No fair though, because just a twist of the characters will change everything. And I do mean everything. The plot was nice, the scenes were just right but gawd oh gawd, the characters!Well, not that they were too wrong but... *shrugs*

this rhyme is written from my heart to you

2011-02-05T12:14:00.001+08:00

I had a really really weird dream last night. And when I say weird, I do mean weird. Surprisingly enough, it felt so fuckingtasticly real and that's what scares me the most. The scene keeps replaying in my head since the moment I woke up and realized that ALL of it was just a dream. A really wrong dream that was supposed to be deemed as a mistake. 아이구...

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why are you being like this?

2011-02-02T22:12:00.002+08:00

I don't think I'll ever check out kpopsecrets.tumblr.com again. It's not that I have anything against the site, it's just some of the secrets are plain... disturbing. It has turned into some sort of sexual frustration blogs lately, and it creeps me out to think that Bekah (since she has a Tumblr account) or any other idols might just randomly stumble upon the site and read all those horrendous 'secrets'. Honestly, it's not fair for those idols to receive those outcomes after working their asses off for the fans. And come on, Taemin's still a kid. No matter how much people are going to overlook it, he still is one. So stop with the indirect harassment, cause it's filthy and terrifying.

On a much lighter note, Aynaa's back. And was supposed to hang out with her plus others tomorrow, if not for the fact that I have to attend my brother-in-law's Tahlil ceremony along with my family. Uuuu, ahjumma! I wanna see you again :'(

My hands are itching to write. Unfortunately, writer's block just won't spare me some mercy!

every note carved into musical history

2011-01-30T08:17:00.003+08:00

So I stayed up all night watching episode 1 and 2 of Paradise Ranch, and so far it's been good. To be honest, I don't consider myself as a Korean drama person, mainly because I'm impatient. Many times have it been that I watched the first few episodes of some drama, find them oh-so-painfully boring and skipped to the middle of the story, where the plot finally picks up and goes sprinting until the end. But most of the dramas I've watched - or at least tried to, ended up getting forgotten and lost from the library of my mind. Said dramas included BOF (stuck halfway, and I don't feel that 'umph' to actually pick up where I left off), Goong (first few parts of the FIRST episode and my brain cells began to zzzzz), Oh! My Lady (this was a rare case, since I watched in at the middle of the story, but the outcome is the same as others anyway), (Stairway to Heaven (I was hyped up about it at first, but I guess the unneeded excitement killed it) and You're Beautiful (wasn't excited while watching the 1st episode, and watching it again - dubbed, made it worse).

But for the dramas I'd actually watched at the ends was the one and only, Sungkyunkwan Scandal. I enjoyed it, but I don't feel the 'feel' of wanting to watch it from the beginning to make it perfect to my eyes. Yes, it was a tad boring, but it was bearable. and pleasant. I also think that it was because of the lack of entertainment I'd gotten during the time it was aired, which opened up the hope of Korean dramas being a space filler into my zero-fun life (at that time).

But for Paradise Ranch, I'll be honest. I'm not a big DBSK fan, nor am I a JYJ or HoMin stan after the incident (though I'm on HoMin's side, but that's beside the point), but the thought of watching Changmin's baby face in each episode thrilled me - and I'd discovered that 'thrill' while watching the 1st episode (and that was a few hours ago). I've read a few reviews and found out that it was his debut acting performance (told ya I wasn't a DBSK fan) and was quite surprised because his acting was pure to me, and I like it.

Lee Yeon Hee on the other hand, was errr... Maybe it's because of personal preferences, but I kinda don't get it why sometimes the main female lead has to be given the course of being all hyper, and joyous, and ohsonaturally charming because it just. won't. seem. natural. to me. A character who goes all smiles in front of a guy and absentmindedly happy sometimes ticks me off to the point where I can predict what she's going to do next and where is her relationship with the male lead is leading to. (case in point: Geum Jan Di) Yes, I get it, she's one of a kind which is why the ex/the wrongdoer/the person who breaks her heart gets all guilty and ignites his love once again for her after a few years of separation, but there's just so many characters like that in today's dramas that these kind of people won't be a 'one of a kind' anymore. And I'm not just talking about Kdramas, same goes to Malay dramas (boo for me, I know) and Japanese dramas.

But then again, I like this drama, I like Shim Changmin, I like the OSTs, and I like the settings used. So I'll continue watching until the end - hopefully.

For now, my browser is currently pausing 1 Litre of Tears. Because I can't stand watching reviews of how this Jdrama is just a one motherfucking heart-wrenching story I just have to check it out myself.

Thank God holidays are here :)

i called you to be by my side

2011-01-30T06:07:00.002+08:00

Correct me if I'm wrong but,

in ever dramas or movies I've watched, it would always be the girl, or the female lead who managed to move on after going through a rough period with the guy or the male lead. I mean, yeah I know we, girls are stronger than boys mentally (LOL WTF) but it does seems as if that well-known fact is being exaggerated in every dramas or movies. Oh well...

Oh and CNY is coming! Which means that a one week holiday is here! *throws confetti*

Never mind the mountains of homework waiting patiently to be done, I'm kinda looking forward to this. It seems like a fresh, delayed start to a new year. Maybe the newly-painted house is playing with my moods again but honestly, IDC. It's nice to feel this way :)

Oh and btw,

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR :))

Better enjoy it while it lasts!

p/s : Finally, a holiday post ;)

destiny taps me on the back saying hello

2011-01-26T22:38:00.001+08:00

House-painting for the whole day. Probably what I'll be spending my time on when the others are having fun at the Amiga gathering -.-
OTL

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this is double combo

2011-01-26T17:10:00.002+08:00

So I was on my was home after submitting my appeal to MARA. Mum turned on the radio and two DJs were ~~talking~~ crapping. A woman and a guy.

And oh my gawd the woman's voice was so fucking annoying! My face went from practically :| to :\ to =.= to >:( because it was so unfit for a DJ. I mean, no, I'm not hating your ~~raspy~~ voice, but honestly, DO pick another career. My hand was itching to slap her on the cheeks and even my mum agreed to that. I filled every second of the car ride just bitching about her voice and it wasn't pleasant. You see, during times like these, I do wish we have Sukira or Youngstreet or any other Korean radio shows here.

FML

your conceited, hazardous attitude swallows me like ecstasy

2011-01-24T22:42:00.002+08:00

I was speechless the moment I laid eyes on that, and I can say that I'm still dumbfounded now, and probably will be for many days after this until I can actually wrap my head around that 'idea'. OK

But I have to let this out, or I'll... become mentally unstable.

Thing is, I'm praying for the exact same things you are and I'm feeling the exact same things you're feeling. Hell, probably much much more than that. But to be doing this (or feeling these kinds of things), is actually a gamble. For the risks you take, you must be prepared with both the bet and the consequences. In my case, I'm gambling my heart and am prepared to have it crushed into a million pieces anytime soon. The reason I'm still holding on to this with everything I have, is because it's him. But when I think about it, I don't even need reasons, simply because it's him :)

But know that the only thing that's dumbfounding me now is,

we're in love with the same guy, dear

now I can't breathe

2011-01-23T18:14:00.002+08:00

Look into the eyes @.@

So, up till now there are three networks I'm currently running, all of which haven't resulted to dying due to unattended care... yet. Blog, livejournal, fb - there was a time when I had calmly state that these three would be the only social networks/sites I'll be active in.

Until I added another one /bricked

And I'm beginning to enjoy it? /double bricked

No promises of everlasting commitment, that I can promise. The urge to reblog, spazz over beautiful edits, hilarious gifs, wtf contents and such pushed me into creating an account.

So who's stupider? The person who jumped off a cliff or the person who followed suit? Random, but still...

Nevertheless, follow me on Tumblr - inmyopenbox.tumblr.com

wannabe from all over the world

2011-01-22T18:55:00.002+08:00

Of Course She Knows @LJ

I think depression is slowly eating me up. Might even consider deleting this blog and my fb as well. Shuddup, don't take this as a joke

absence makes the heart grow fonder

2011-01-21T17:47:00.004+08:00

HARIZ IS FREAKING LEAVING TO MRSM PEKAN, PAHANG

Jangan pergi la weh. Nanti sape nak buat lawak bodoh kat sekolah kalau kau takde? Kau dah established 'Class Joker' punya title kat sini pastu kau nak sesuka hati je tinggal Amiga eh? Sape nak sakitkan hati aku lagi kalau kau takde weh? Bangang punya kawan -.-

*edit*

And internet connection is being such a *censored*

by my side is your best place

2011-01-20T22:43:00.002+08:00

Quasimodo is a depressing song. Literally. But the words used are nice, it's like they plucked every little bit of everything from everywhere and blend it together with the melody and all. To my eyes, this song is perfect. It describes exactly the pain one went through about not being able to express his or her love towards a certain someone. And trust me, I've been there, done that. ~~Still am~~, but that's beside the point.

You are mine, because of who you are

Because you need to be mine, in order for you to be you

Different translations, different meanings, but still breathtaking. Doesn't change the fact that I still need to master Korean Language :/

p/s : And for that, I am officially bipolar

can you feel my sincere love?

2011-01-19T22:12:00.006+08:00

If he dares to wave at me, I swear I'll give him a look that says 'who do you think you're waving at?'

Trust me, I will.

And after a second of having that thought popped into my mind, I began to feel scared of myself. Yes, I know I can be damn straight forward at times, never mind that most of the words pouring out of my mouth can be ouch like hell, especially when I'm in my pissed-off mode. Oh, but that's not just it. When I'm in bitchy mode, that's the time when practically everything you said in the sole purpose to calm me down will be reciprocated by me to a full angle of 360 degrees. I don't know why I always do that, I just do. Pretty much explains why people steer clear from me the moment I throw a fit. Heh, I'm a head-biter, I am.

One thing I really need to change about myself is my cursing habits. I'm not a big fan of profanity though a small usage of it can be quite purposeful at times, but still... it makes me look as if I'm lacking in the aspect of morality, which truth be told, I think I am. I swear, I used to hate excessive swearing, especially coming from girls who tend to scream those words out loud just for the sake of showing people how cool they are for being stupidly daring. I would deliver my infamous glare (I haven't mastered the art of raising an eyebrow back then) which was eyes darting to slits accompanied with the almost audible 'ugh!'. And because of that, I'm ashamed to confess that I, Alin Roslee

is a bloody hypocrite

My only point in defending myself would be that I do not curse on purpose. Uhh, it's almost like... a habit for me to curse every time the perfect situation comes? Okay, I think that's worse than swearing on purpose. OTL

I promise I'll change, I promise to reduce the amount of profanity used (if not completely leave that bad habit of mine) and for the sake of Hanna, yes, that bish, I promise to never do fake aegyo again. Instead, I'll just stick to being me - minus the trying-too-hard aegyo. No, this is not intended to offend you in any way, Hanna. Trust me, you have the first ever natural aegyo I've ever seen in my 'real' life (read: without the added background the Kpop industry laa!) so use it wisely. LOL what does that supposed to mean? xD

Warning: Messed-up post ahead

When I look at pictures of you crying at your first concert, I'd say, 'stop crying or I swear I'll bitch slap you.'
When I look at pictures of you wearing hot pink all over and strutting around as if you own the place you were at, I'd say, 'and the diva strikes again...'
When I found a video of you auditioning for SME, I screamed, 'why the hell didn't you show me this before?!'
When I found a picture of you, looking just as a boy and nothing else, I'd say, 'stupid guy.'

And now I'm hating myself because I was never like this when it was him. I'm hating myself because the confidence I used to have when I was with him has shattered to pieces, meaning that with you, I'm not sure about anything and everything. Yes, I promised to go with the flow, to not promise anything with you but I can't help but feel like something is amiss. I'm used in having confidence, which is why it scares me to feel like I will never stand a chance with you at all, even as acquaintances. I need to have confidence, but I can't. I just can't and that's part of the reason why I'm scared to have this kind of feelings for you.

Yes, I may look as if I'm babbling like a freaking obsessed fan, but those words up there don't sum up to even a quarter of what I'm really feeling right now.

And I hate myself for thinking too much about this when in fact there are a lot more reasonable issues out there for me to argue about.

To those anons lurking, think whatever you want of me. Because I seriously don't give a damn.

i will remember only you

2011-01-19T15:24:00.002+08:00

Okay guys, within the next 6 months, do not ask me to spend any money on anything and everything unnecessary. And stop inviting me to any outings whatsoever because I can't afford it. Because I freaking need to zip, lock, secure and hide my purse from now on if I want to pre-order f(x)'s new album in time. And by the time I've done so, know that you are in no absolute position to complain about the die-hard f(x)'s fan side of mine. Anything negative coming out of your mouth during that time will be deemed invalid

STAMPED

Don't ask me about how much I spazzed ever since news regarding their new album was released. And yes, I am anticipating the 'new image' they'll be promoting (though part of me is scared if things turn out... ugly) But oh gawd, please please please let 2011 be f(x)'s year cause people need to realize what kind of gem they truly are.

p/s : Oh how much I hate discrimination :/